/ 

Boots and Her Buddies 

OR 

When Man Plays Maiden 

CA Farcial Comedy in Three Acts 

BY 

FRANCES HUNTLEY 




PRICE 50 CENTS 



Copjrright by Eaddy & Eaddy 



Published by 
Eaddy & Eaddy 

CHAPEL HILL, N. C. 



BOOTS 
And Her Buddies 

OR 

When Man Plays Maiden 

CA Farcial Comedy in Three Acts 



BY 



FRANCES HUNTLEY 




PRICE 50 CENTS 



Copyright by Eaddy & Eaddy 



Published by 

Eaddy & Eaddy 
Chapel Hill, N. C. 



?^ 



7^^ K<^ 






DO NOT COPY THIS BOOK OR ANY PART OF IT 

FOR ANY PURPOSE 

The making of a copy or copies of copyrighted matter is an 
infringement of the copyright and such infringement is sub- 
ject under the copyright act to criminal prosecution as well 
as civil damages. 

Act of March 4, 1909, Ch. 320, 35 St. L. 1075, Sec. 28. 



ROYALTY RIGHTS 



The acting rights of this play are strictly reserved. Per- 
formance may be given by amateurs on payment to publishers 
of a royalty of ten dollars ($10.00) for first performance, and 
five dollars ($5.00) for each performance thereafter. 

NOTICE. 12 copies of this book are included in the above 
prices in addition to complete stage direction sheets for direct- 
or. Thus, everything is furnished for the one price. 

Attention is called to the penalties provided by the copy- 
right law^ of the United States of America in force July 1, 
1909, for any infringement of rights. 



Caution: It is not legal to change the name of this play 
without permission, and royalty must be paid when given un- 
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TMP96-00*>55i 



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Suggested Stage Setting 
\ OooR 




NOTES ON SETTING 

The stage is a simple living-room setting with ordinary 
furniture. The above suggestions are supplemented by pic- 
tures on the walls, end-tables, or any other furniture that may 
be easily secured to fit into the scene to lend attractiveness. 
A large rug will add to the effect. The same setting is used 
throughout. But if desired some extra touches may be added 
for the second and third acts to give it the appearance of hav- 
ing been "fixed up" for the party. This is optional, however. 

COSTUMING 

All the costuming is modern. The girls in the first act have 
on evening, or semi-evening dresses if practical. If not the 
sport-suits will do. The boys should have on dark suits. In 
the second and third acts all the girls wear sport clothes. The 
boys may change to light suits if desirable to change at all. 

In making up Jed for the widow's part, use fairly at- 
tractive clothes, and if it is not practical to have a wig the 
part is arranged so that he may wear a hat throughout. Each 
time he comes in as the widow he is threatening to leave. By 
using the hat it is easier to give the appearance of a woman. 

Further and more complete directions for costuming and 
make-up will be furnished in director's sheets sent with the 
order. 



CAST OF CHARACTERS 

Boots Boyd — A vivacious, pretty girl of 18. 

Professor Ned Boyd — Her father, about 45. 

Albert Stevens — A bachelor friend of the family who mar- 
ries and shov^^s off. 

Mrs. Stevens — His wife who likes to be shown off. 

Jed Harding — A boy friend of Boots' who will not be domi- 
neered by her, and who plays the part of a young widow. 

Bill Thompson — A veritable clown. Jed's friend. 

Percival Manners — A young Englishman, Bill and Jed's 
friend, who manages to captivate the girls. 

Jane Nelson — Boots' friend — about 19. 

Mary Roland — Another of Boots' friends — same age. 

Mrs. Audrey Hemingway — Whom Professor Boyd would like 
to marry much to Boots' dislike. 

Mandy — The old servant. 

Howard Nutz — A boy friend of Boots'. 

To suit the needs of varied size classes the author has writ- 
ten parts for any combination of characters up to four addi- 
tional boys or four or six additional girls. If your cast for 
instance is six boys and ten girls the parts for the additional 
four girls will be sent upon receipt of the order for the play 
if you will give us the number of additional characters needed. 
Or if you need seven boys and nine girls or any similar com- 
bination we can furnish clever parts for these numbers. 

Note: These parts are not mailed for examination due to 
fact that they are printed in pamphlet form separate from the 
books, and packing and postage loould not he feasible. 

ACT I. The living-room of Professor Boyd's home. 
ACT n. The same. Two days later. 
ACT HI. The same. Next day. 



Boots and Her Buddies 

ACT I 

Time : Present. Nine o'clock in the evening. 

Place: The living-room of Professor Boyd's home. 

Scene: The living-room is a pleasant place with furniture 
not too extravagant. Near the rear center is a divan, flanked 
on each side by two comfortable chairs. On the right is an 
easy chair with a bridge lamp beside it for reading purposes. 
At the rear corner and on the left are doors leading out to the 
other rooms, and at the right is a door leading to the front 
hallway. 

[When the curtain rises Professor Boyd is seen seated in 
the chair by the reading lamp perusing a formidable looking 
volume. Occasionally he nods his head and omits a gutteral 
sound of approval. He is a nice looking man in the middle 
forties with hair beginning to gray about his temples. Al- 
most immediately Boots enters. She is an attractive, viva- 
cious girl, slightly spoiled perhaps but likable. She is dressed 
for a dance. As she enters rather nervously the Professor 
raises his eyes from the book.] 

Prof. Why so nervous, daughter? 

Boots. I just despise to be kept waiting. Those boys are 
already an hour late. 

Prof. Come over and talk to me awhile. [She goes over 
and sits on the arm of his chair.] It isn't often we get to talk 
together of late. 

Boots. No, you're too busy writing your old books on how 
to rear a family to have time to look after your own. 

Prof [Smiling]. It does seem that way. 

Boots. And when you're not writing you're off somewhere 
lecturing. 

Prof. And when I'm home at night you are off to some 
dance or other. 

Boots. Not every night, now. 

Prof. I hope the boys don't come. I would like for the two 
of us to just sit here and talk all alone. 

Boots [Restlessly]. But, Daddy, this is the big dance. 

Prof. Who is taking you? 



Boots and Her Buddies 



Boots. Jed Harding — if he ever gets here. 

Prof. That's Byron Harding's boy, isn't it? 

Boots. I think so. 

Prof. They're splendid people. Is he a nice young man? 

Boots [Interested]. Yes, very nice in some ways — perhaps 
a little old-fashioned, and certainly bosgy. 

Prof. How is that? 

Boots. He won't let a girl he goes with smoke — 

Prof [Interrupting]. That's in his favor. 

Boots. And he just tries to be so hard-boiled. The other 
night when he took me to the dance, just because I went off 
with Howard and he missed his dance, when I came back he 
informed me that if I wanted to be with Howard I might get 
him to take me home. And when I said that I had as soon 
have it that way as not, he turned on his heel and walked away 
just like that. [She snaps her finger.] And left me alone in 
the middle of the floor so embarrassed I could have sunk right 
through it. 

Prof. Well, if he took you to the dance it was your duty 
to be nice to him. 

Boots. Believe me no other boy would have the nerve to 
treat me like that — not even if I had talked to Howard. 

Prof. Then why are you going with him again tonight? 

Boots. I don't know. I just like him, I reckon. [Suddenly 
getting up.] But if he doesn't soon get here I'm going to call 
up some one else. 

Prof. I wouldn't do that. 

Boots. I'll give him about ten minutes longer. [She is 
about to go.] 

Prof [Suddenly changing the subject. Pensively]. I guess 
my little girl will soon be getting married and leaving me all 
alone. 

Boots [Turning]. Why Daddy, you know I wouldn't do any 
such thing. 

Prof. Most girls do after they begin to get your age. 

Boots [Going back and tousling his hair]. Come on — out 
with it. What's on your mind? 

Prof. How would you like for me to get married again. 
Boots? 



Boots and Her Buddies 



Boots [Slightly astounded]. Daddy! Why I believe you're 
sick. 

Prof. No, seriously. 

Boots. I just think it would spoil everything. 

Prof [A little disappointed]. Spoil things? How? 

Boots. Why, by bringing another woman here. Maybe we 
wouldn't get along at all and it would be just one big fuss. 
And then you and I would never have any time together again 
— by ourselves I mean. [Suddenly.] Oh, I believe if you were 
to I would run off and get married myself — to Howard, or Jed, 
or anybody rather than staying here with another woman. 

[The doorbell rings, and Boots suddenly jumps up.] 

Boots. There they are, I guess. [She hurries out and 
Mandy enters from the door on the right. She is a congenial 
Negro mammy, slow moving and slow -talking.] 

Mandy. A visitor to see you, Marse Ned. 

Prof. A man or a lady. 

Mandy, It's a gen'man, suh. 

Prof. Show him in, and tell Boots it is not her visitors. 

Mandy. Yas-suh. [She goes out and a moment later Al- 
bert Stevens enters. He is a congenial, slightly stout bachelor 
about the age of the Professor. His hair, too, is grey about 
the temples.] 

Stevens [Heartily]. Hello, hello! You old hermit. 

Prof [With a relieved expression]. Hello, Albert. I cer- 
tainly didn't expect you to be dropping in. 

Stevens. You can't ever tell where I shall be. A bachelor's 
privilege, you know. 

Prof. I wish I knew how you manage it. It doesn't work 
that way with a widower. 

Stevens. That's the penalty for being a noted author, my 
dear Ned. If you want privacy you must be a nobody like me. 

Prof. I would like to trade places with you for awhile — 
books and all. 

Stevens [Throwing up his hands in mock horror]. Never! 
Anybody could tell after one look at me that I couldn't write 
a book. 

Prof. Well, I am glad you came. Have a seat. 

Stevens. Boy, boy, you sat the reading public on its ear 



8 Boots and Her Buddies 

again with that new book of yours on family life. You seem 
to know the right chord to strike every time. 

Prof [Pleased]. Yes, I am greatly pleased with the recep- 
tion given it by the public. 

Stevens. A great book, Ned. A great book. 

Prof. Then you've read it. 

Stevens [Laughing good-naturedly]. There now, you 
shouldn't have asked me that. 

Prof [Pretending to be hurt]. Don't tell me you haven't. 

Stevens. I'll have to admit I haven't. I never could read 
a book on sociology without going to sleep, and I didn't even 
have the nerve to tackle yours. 

Prof [Laughing too]. Same old Albert. But after all you 
are probably better off. 

Stevens. You see, I wanted to retain my respect for your 
ability. 

Prof. Is that another dig? 

Stevens. Not exactly. But I knew you didn't know any- 
thing about rearing a family. 

Prof [Smiling]. You should read what the critics say. 

Stevens. But I have seen the way your only child runs 
you ragged around here. 

Prof [Chuckling]. You don't have to know much to write 
a book. 

Stevens. So I have observed. 

Prof. Besides I didn't tell them to do as I have done, but 
to do as I told them to do. 

Stevens. That's fair enough, I guess. 

Prof. Then too, not many of them will have a daughter like 
Boots. 

Stevens. How is Boots? 

Prof. Well and hearty if that is what you mean. But I'll 
admit I don't know what to do with her. 

Stevens. What's wrong? 

Prof [With a gesture of inadequacy]. I don't know. She 
is forever on the go, and there are dozens of young men hang- 
ing around all of the time to take her places. 

Stevens. Which means that she is pretty and intelligent. 
You should be proud of her. 



Boots and Her Buddies 



Prof. It is well enough for you bachelors to say such 
things, but it is different when you have a daughter and real- 
ize that you alone are responsible for her. 

Stevens. Oh, the kid is all right. Let her have a good time. 

Prof. I want her to enjoy life, but I don't like for her to be 
running around with every Tom-Dick-and-Harry day and 
night. And I just can't be here all of the time to look after 
her myself since my duties take me away so much of the time. 
If I knew a responsible middle-aged lady whom I could em- 
ploy, I would get her to come here and take complete charge 
of Boots. 

Stevens. You mean a kind of governess. 

Prof. Exactly. Someone who would make Boots mind 
even if she had to spank her to do it. 

[Boots enters.] 

Boots. Hello, Mr. Stevens. 

Stevens. How are you tonight. Boots? 

Boots. Fine and dandy, only I'm mad as a hornet. 

Stevens. That's bad. 

Boots. I'll bet Eve had a reason for double-crossing Adam 
when she got him to bite that apple. 

Stevens. How is that? 

Boots. All men are alike. They are forever trying to pull 
a fast one on us girls. 

Stevens [Smiling]. Keep them in check. Boots. 

Boots. Never mind, I shall. [Turning toiuards the tele- 
phone.] Daddy I'm going to call Howard and get him to come 
up for me. 

Prof. I'd wait a little longer if I were you. Jed will prob- 
ably be here in a few minutes. 

Boots. So will Howard. [She picks up the receiver while 
the two men watch.] Central — give me 8443. 

Prof. I think you are acting rude. 

Boots [Into the phone]. Hello. Who is this? —Oh, it is 
you Howard? How did you happen to be answering the 
phone? — I see. Has the dance started? — You don't have 
a date do you? — Then how about coming up for me? — How 
about bringing two boys along. Jane and Mary are with me. 
— Yes. That's good. — Sure. I'm ready now. — How long 



10 Boots and Her Buddies 



will it be? — Ten minutes! That's fine ... Be waiting for 
you. [She hangs up.] I guess this will teach Jed a lesson. 

Prof [Protesting]. I would rather for you to not be so has- 
ty. I don't like for you to be going with Howard Nutz so 
much. He doesn't appear to be any too nice. 

Boots. Oh, Howard is all right — probably a little stuck on 
himself, but you can depend on him. 

Prof. But . . . 

Boots [Interrwptmg]. Now, don't lecture to me when I'm 
going out to a dance, Daddy — and that right here before Mr. 
Stevens. [She laughs.] Mr. Stevens I wish you would talk 
to Daddy for me. He has written so many books on how to 
rear a family that he is actually beginning to believe some 
of the rot he writes. 

Prof. Boots ! 

Boots. Oh, pardon! I didn't mean it, Daddy. [She impul- 
sively kisses him on the cheek.] What you write is perfect- 
ly good for other people, but you shouldn't try it on your only 
daughter. Do you think so, Mr. Stevens? 

Stevens [Goodnaturedly]. I'll talk to him Boots. 

Boots [Ga%]. Do that for me. [She starts out.] Daddy, 
if Jed comes by tell him that I've already gone, [She goes 
through the rear door.] 

Prop [Turning to Stevens with a futile gesture]. See how 
she is. As headstrong as a mule. 

Stevens. I think it serves the young gentleman right. He 
ought to be taken down a notch for keeping a pretty girl wait- 
ing. Let her stand up for her rights and she probably won't 
marry the first puppy that makes love to her. Where, on the 
other hand, if he forced her to be nice to every boy who tried 
to run over her she wouldn't have a mind of her own and 
would probably marry the first one who made her think he 
was Tarzan of the Apes. 

Prof. You argue so well you ought to write a book on the 
proper methods of bringing up a daughter. Your bachelor 
philosophy should add a note that would be refreshing. 

Stevens. Not me. I'll leave the book writing to you pro- 
fessors. But I do know one thing. 

Prof. What is it? 



Boots and Her Buddies 11 



Stevens. You ought to get married. 

Prof. What? 

Stevens. You need a wife as much as Boots needs a mother. 

Prof. There you go with some more of your bachelor ad- 
vice. While you are lecturing me why don't you practice what 
you are preaching? 

Stevens. I am doing exactly that. 

Prof [Astounded]. You — marrying? 

Stevens. Yours truly, and none other. 

Prof. I can hardly believe it. Who is she? 

Stevens. Alice Fenters. You probably remember her. 

Prof. Sure I remember her. Congratulations. 

Stevens. Thanks, Ned. I guess now you will concede my 
right to offer advice. 

Prof. After hearing you are going to get married I con- 
cede anything. 

Stevens. Then quit worrying about Boots. She knows 
how to take care of herself. 

Prof. Of course, I don't doubt that. She is a good girl, 
but she is so young and flighty. Mandy just idolizes her, and 
does everything she asks. And now there are all of these boys 
trying to see which one can do her the most favors. I am 
afraid she will be running off and marrying one of them. 

Stevens. Fve always heard there is safety in numbers. 

Prof. That is one consolation. But I don't see how she 
keeps her head with all that attention. 

Stevens. Which goes to prove that young people keep their 
heads much better than we older ones would in their place. 

Prof. I give up. You beat me arguing. 

Stevens. Then take my advice and marry Audrey Heming- 
way. 

Prof [Smiling]. I'm afraid it wouldn't work. I have a 
grown daughter to think of as well as myself. 

Stevens. All the more reason you should. She would make 
Boots a good mother as well as you a good wife. 

Prof [Shaking his head]. Boots doesn't like her at all. I 
asked her to come over and help Boots with her party next 
week, and I am kept on the verge of nervous prostration for 



12 Boots and Her Buddies 



fear Boots will order her out of the house each time she comes 
over. 

Stevens. That's just jealousy. Every child feels that way 
at the thought of their parents getting married the second 
time. You can't afford to pay any attention to them. 

Prof. Maybe not, but I am afraid to try it, Albert. Boots 
and I have gotten along rather nicely so far and rather than 
run the risk of making her unhappy I think I shall try to get 
a governess and manage along somehow until she is married. 

Stevens. I think you are foolish, but have it your own 
way. [He rises to go.] 

Prof. You aren't going so soon? 

Stevens. Yes, I have to be running. 

Prof. Call again soon. 

Stevens. Righto. I'll bring the wife over some day and 
show her off and make you jealous. 

Prof. Fine. 

[Stevens leaves. Prof turns and picks up his book just as 
Mandy enters and starts across the room.] 

Prof. Mandy? 

Mandy [Turning]. Yas-suh, Marse Ned. 

Prof. I think I shall go up to my study to write some. If 
anybody calls tell them I'm not at home, please. 

Mandy. I sho will Marse Ned. 

[He goes out. And Mandy is about to take a dip of snuff 
ivhen the doorbell rings. She crosses over to the front door.] 

Mandy [Heard fust off-stage]. No mam, Mr. Boyd ain't 
at home. 

Mrs. Hemingway [Off-stage]. But I happen to know that 
he is. [They appear in the doorway, Mrs. Hemingway lead- 
ing. She is a good-looking woman of middle-age with a rather 
emphatic way of moving and speaking.] 

Mrs. H. The idea of telling me he wasn't at home. 

Mandy. But Marse Ned done tole me to say that he was 
not at home. 

Mrs. H. [Emphaticalhj]. If he did say that, it wasn't meant 
for me. 

Mandy. But he said tell anybody. 

Mrs. H. Well, when he says anybody it doesn't apply to 



Boots and Her Buddies 13 



me, understand. Tell Mr. Boyd I wish, to see him. [She picks 
up a magazine.] '^ ' 

Mandy [Reluctantly]. Yes, mam. [She leaves out mumb- 
ling, just as Boots entej^s.] 

Mrs. H. [Pleasantly]. How are you Beulah? 

Boots. Oh, hello. I thought you were someone else. Won't 
you have a seat. Father will be down directly, I'm sure, 

Mrs. H. Thanks. [Takes her seat]. I came over to discuss 
plans for your party. 

Boots. I am sorry that I must be away. But Father will 
tell you what I have planned. 

Mrs. H. I'm sure you will like the plans I have made. 

Boots. On the contrary, I am sure you will like mirie when 
Father tells them to you. [She turns to go and Mrs. H. gives 
her a killing look but changes her expressio7i quickly as Prof. 
enters.] 

Prof [Pleasantly] . This is indeed a pleasure. 

Mrs. H. I just dropped in a moment to see about the party. 

Prof. Did you mention your plans to Boots? 

Mrs. H. I did but she said something about some other 
plans. 

Prof [Worried]. I wish you would talk to her. She wants 
to have a house party, and that means a crowd swarming in 
and out for three whole days. I don't believe I can stand it. 

Mrs. H. Then why don't you put your foot right down and 
say no to her. 

Prof. Well, it is her party, and I didn't want to spoil it for 
her by flatly refusing. 

Mrs. H. [Suddenly]. What you should do is get married. 

Prof [A little flustered]. Yes, so I've been told once before 
tonight. 

Mrs. H. Really you do need a wife. And Boots is at the 
age when she needs a mature woman's counsel. 

Prof. I've been thinking of getting a governess. 

Mrs. H. Of course that would be better than nothing, but 
no woman you get is going to command the respect from Boots 
that your wife would. 

Prof [Taking a deep breath]. I'm beginning to realize why 
mothers get grey. 



14 Boots and Her Buddies 

Mrs. H. [Rising]. Well, I guess since there is nothing I 
can do I shall go. 

Prof [Rising]. You will come back tomorrow and try to 
make Boots change her plans? 

Mrs. H. [Flattered]. For your sake I shall. And, in the 
meantime, you get out and look up a good wife like I told you 
to. [Archly.] You know you still have quite a bit of sex ap- 
peal. [She leaves. Prof is a little embarrassed and pleased at 
the last statement. He straightens his tie self-consciously and 
walks over to a mirror against the wall and surveys himself 
admiringly as he mutters to himself.] 

Prof. Sex appeal ! Humph, I hadn't thought of that. 

[Boots enters, and Prof turns embarrassed at being caught.] 

Boots. So she has gone? 

Prof. Yes — she just left. 

Boots [Picking up a magazine and flipping the leaves impa- 
tiently]. Haven't any of the boys shown up yet? 

Prof. Not yet. 

Boots [Impatiently]. It's beginning to look as if Fm going 
to -have to call someone else up yet before I can get to the 
dance. I have never been so embarrassed in my life for all 
this to happen after I asked Jane and Mary to go with me. 
[The doorbell rings. Boots places the magazine upon Profs 
book on the table quickly.] You answer the door, and if it's 
Jed, tell him I've gone. If it's Howard tell him that I'll be 
down in a minute. [She runs out and Prof answers the door. 
He ushers in Howard Nutz.] 

Prof. Come in. Boots will be down directly. 

Howard [Importantly]. A splendid evening, sir. 

Prof. Is that so? I hadn't noticed it. 

Howard. It's beautiful outside. 

Prof. Just have a seat. And you will excuse me please. 
[He turns to go.] 

Howard. Certainly. [He is turning to go just as Mary 
and Jane enter.] 

Jane and Mary. Hello ! Hello, Howard, etc. 

Howard. Hello ! 

Jane. You are certainly a hero tonight. 

Howard [Not too good-humor edly]. Even if a late arrival. 



Boots and Her Buddies 15 

Mary. Now don't let that worry you. Better late than 
never, you know. 

Jane. He who laughs last laughs best. 

Howard. What's keeping Boots? 

Jane. Oh, she's coming. 

[Boots enters.] 

Mary. Here she is now. 

Boots. So you got here at last? 

Howard. Righto. Are we all ready for a hot party? 

Mary. And how. 

Boots. Where are the boys you were to bring for Jane 
and Mary? 

Howard. They are outside keeping the car warm. 

Boots. Then let's go. We are late now. 

[NOTE : Above lines are changed and one or two boys are 
introduced along with Howard if needed. These parts are fur- 
nished upon request to schools ordering the play.] 

[Mary and Jane go towards the door. Howard hangs slight- 
ly back.] 

Howard. Say, Boots, why the sudden ring at the last min- 
ute? Didn't get rooked, did you? 

Boots [Tartly]. Now see here, Professor, do I have to ans- 
wer a quiz just because I asked you to take me? 

Howard. I do think you might explain. 

Boots. If you don't want to take me say so. 

Howard [Quickly]. I didn't say I didn't want to take you. 

Boots. Then come on, and cut the questioning. 

Howard. All right. But it does look like you might treat 
a fellow fair sometimes. 

Boots. Fair? You asked me all last week for this date, 
and now when I give it to you, you talk about me not being 
fair. Come on. [She grabs him by the arm and is propelling 
him through the door luhen she catches a glimpse of the pro- 
fessor entering the opposite door.] 

Boots [Giving Howard a push]. Run along Fll catch up. 
[She goes back to Prof.] Now, Daddy, forget what I said 
awhile ago, and run along to bed and get a good night's sleep. 

Prop. Sure! You run along and have a good time. 



16 Boots and Her Buddies 

Boots [Waving him a farewell as she disappears]. Okay. 
Goodnight. 

[Prof, sits a moment gazing after her, then looks aimlessly 
about for his book but failing to find it goes to the door and 
calls.] 

Prof. Mandy! Oh, Mandy! 

MAiiDY [Off stage]. Yassuh.' 

Prof. Where did you put my book? 

Mandy. I'se coming. [After a slight pause she comes wad- 
dling in.] What is it? You can't find youah book? 

Prof. No. I am certain I left it here on the chair. 

Mandy [Tur7is over the magazine Boots left and finds it. 
She grins]. Lawsy, Marse Ned, you sho couldn't find your 
nose if it wuz to happen to git offen your face. 

Prof [Takes the book]. I thought I had looked every place 
for it. 

Mandy. Ain't no telling what would happen to you if you 
didn't have me and Miss Boots to look after you. 

Prof. Well, Mandy, Fll tell you what I am planning to do 
about it. 

Mandy. What's dat, Marse Ned ? 

Prof. Everybody has been telling me to get married. I am 
about to think it is the proper thing to do. 

Mandy [Not liking this]. Shucks alive, Marse Ned, they 
ain't no sense in you gettin' married. Sho'ly you's jokin', ain't 
you? 

Prof. No, Mandy. I am really serious. 

Mandy. Den what you goin' to do with me and Miss Boots? 

Prof. Why you will just stay on. 

Mandy. Now, Marse Ned, you know me and dat chile don't 
want no other woman comin' in here bossing us around. 

Prof. I'm beginning to think Boots needs a mother to look 
after her. 

Mandy [Up in arms]. Now, Marse Ned, you ain't inciner- 
ratin' that I ain't looked after dat chile? 

Prof. No, no. Not at all. You have done a good job. [Dis- 
missing the subject] Anyway it won't happen right away, 
so don't get worried over it, 

Mandy [A relieved laugh]. Lawdy, Fse sho glad you wuz 



Boots and Her Buddies 17 

just jokin'. I was about to think you wuz really serious about 
de thing. 

Prof [He turns to go]. I want you to remain up until Boots 
comes in. 

Mandy. Yassuh. I'll be up waitin' for her. You just go 
ahead and read your book. Fll look after my honey chile. [He 
goes. Mandy seats herself with a grunt into a chair and pulls 
a snuff box from her pocket and while in the process of getting 
a dip of snuff mumbles to herself.] 

Mandy. Humph! Dat's de way with dem mens — ^just 
about de time you thinks they're getting old enough to have 
some sense in their heads they get marryin' in it again. The 
idea of Marse Ned thinkin' I can't take care of my honey chile 
when Fse raised her since she ain't no bigger'n a kitten. Be- 
sides he oughten to know dey ain't no woman good enough fer 
him. [She gets up, and starts out.] Humph! Just wait till 
I tells Miss Boots. I bet he'll change his mind then. [She 
goes out, and a moment later Bill Thompson, Percival Man- 
ners and Jed Harding knock lightly and enter. Bill is a con^ 
genial young man ivith a keen sense of humor and full of devil- 
ment. Percival Manners is a slightly lean-looking young man 
who is slow to catch a joke, and who does not quite follow all 
American figures of speech. Jed Harding is a good looking 
chap with an open, manly face. He enjoys life, but has a 
frank way of expressing himself that is appealing. All three 
are dressed in dark suits, neatly pressed. They come in with 
hats in hand, and seeing no one is in, make their way towards 
the center of the room and stand for a little a^ if expecting 
someone to come. They begin talking in a slightly subdued 
tone.] 

Bill [Grinning at Jed]. So this is where the fair damsel 
of the golden tresses and fair features resides? 

Jed [Countering]. You are now in the castle of the fairy 
Queen. 

Percival. My word, you are rawther extravagant with 
your praise. 

Jed. So will you be after you have seen her. 

Bill. Oh, she is a peach, all right. I met her last week and 
immediately tried for a date — but no luck. You seem to have 



18 Boots and Her Buddies 

to take your turn on the waiting list. 

Percival. Aw, I say, she must be terribly fetching. 

Bill. Fetching ! That's no word for it. Boy, she's got It, 
Them, That and Those ! 

Percival [Not understanding]. It, that, them and those 
what? 

Bill. Just IT, that's all. 

Jed [Laughing]. That's American for fetching and attrac- 
tive combined. 

Percival [Laughing]. Aw, I see. Another of your bally 
American expressions — like sausage. 

Jed [He and Bill laugh]. No, no, not sausage. Boloney. 

Percival [Grinning]. But, I say, boloney and sausage are 
the same thing. 

Bill. Not in American, old chap. Remember you have left 
the land of John Bull. 

Jed [Looking impatiently at his watch]. Say, I thought 
they would have been waiting on us when we are an hour late. 

Bill. Come on, look up a bell or something. I crave action, 
my boy — action. Here I have been in the fairy castle three 
whole minutes and all is quiet along the western front, and 
not a skirt in sight. 

Jed. I imagine they had about given us out, with us an 
hour late because you let that flivver run out of gas two miles 
out of town. 

Bill. How was I to know it was going to pick this night 
of all nights to run out of gas? Be yourself. 

Jed. Any night would suit it to stop if the gas got out. 

Bill. Not a chance. Why usually it will run further than 
that on its reputation. 

Jed. Oh, you're full of banana oil. 

Percival. Banana oil? 

Bill [Not to be squelched]. Just another American custom, 
Perc, old boy. Banana oil, boloney, hot air, verbose, or plain 
old unadulterated bull — it's all the same in American. 

Percival. Oh, I say, I never will get used to your bally 
expressions. 

Bill [Imitating the English drawl]. Aw, you're bally right 
you will, Percival, old boy. You're improving remarkably fast 



Boots and Her Buddies 19 

already. [Jed is again looking at his watch.] How about go- 
ing back to the front door and giving the doorbell a push, Jed. 
Maybe they have gone to sleep. 

Jed. Oh, don't talk your head off. 

Bill [Grinning good naturedly]. Just for that crack, I hope 
that was her leaving in the car we saw driving away when we 
came up. 

Jed [Rather in a bragging manner]. No, no. I don't think 
she would do that. She tried something like that the other 
night and I taught her a lesson. 

Bill. What-a-man ! 

Percival. a dawshing Romeo I call it. 

[Just here Ma/ridy comes shuffling in and suddenly realizes 
that the boys are there.] 

Mandy. Lawsy, you young mens done nearly scared me 
stiff. 

Bill [Grinning]. Now don't get pale, auntie. Don't turn 
pale. We aren't bandits. 

Jed. Mandy, will you tell Miss Boots that we are here. 

Mandy [Peering into Jed's face and recognizing him]. Why 
if it ain't Mr. Jed. How is you feeling, sir? 

Jed. Fine, thanks. But run along and tell her. We shall 
be late now for the dance. 

Mandy. I'se sho sorry to tell you, Mr. Jed, but that chile 
done just gone off with another boy. 

Bill [Clearing his throat loudly]. Hum-m-m! 

Percival. But, I say. 

Jed [Simultaneously]. How about the other girls? Did 
they go along too? 

Mandy. Yassuh. They went too. 

Jed. With whom did they go? 

Mandy. That no count Mr. Nutz. 

Jed. I see. 

Mandy. She said tell you you could come on up to the dance. 

Bill [Quoting]. And so the little fairy Queen flew away 
with the falling dusk and Prince Charming was left all alone. 
[He grins.] 

Jed. Can the comedy, please. 

Mandy. What's that he's saying? 



20 Boots and Her Buddies 



Jed. Nothing. [Suddenly.] Say, Mandy, do you happen 
to have some hot coffee you could bring us a cup? We didn't 
get into town for supper, 

Mandy [Grinnmg broadly. She likes Jed]. Dat I is, Mr. 
Jed. I done put me on a pot so's I could stay awake till Miss 
Boots got back. But you better be going on up to that dance. 
Dat chile is goin' to be lookin' wid big eyes for you. 

Jed. Fm not going to the dance. 

Mandy. Not goin'? Lawdy massy, Mr. Jed. It'll break 
dat chile's heart if you don't go. 

Jed. I reckon not. 

Mandy. Dat it will. She had her heart set on you being 
there. 

Jed. She won't see me tonight. Now run along like a good 
girl and bring us three cups of good hot coffee and a couple of 
those cookies like you had the other day. They were great. 

Mandy. Yassuh. I'll be back in a shake. [She leaves.] 

Bill [Quoting Jed's words of a few minutes back], "Oh, no. 
She won't do anything like that. She tried it the other night 
but I taught her a lesson . . ." 

Jed. Will you kindly pull the zipper on that mouth of yours 
for a while. 

Bill [Wryly saluting]. At your service. Prince! 

Percival. My word, Jed, don't you suppose we had better 
run along to the dance? The girls would feel better if we did 
go. 

Jed. If you two want to go, the way is open. I'm staying. 

Bill. Old what-a-man is going to pull a stubborn act now, 
Perc, old boy. Don't crab it by trying to persuade him. 

Jed. Don't you see that she did this just to cut back at me 
for what happened the other night. She thinks we will follow 
her. That's why she did it. 

Bill [Pretending to yawn and stretching out in a chair]. 
Oh, well, it will feel great to take a night off for a change, and 
rest up. [Waving his hand so as to take in the room.] Here 
in the beautiful fairy's castle with a coal black mammy to feed 
us coffee and cake. And we shall let the beautiful ladies weep 
copiously over our absence, and strive to quell their tears an- 
other day. 



Boots and Her Buddies 21 

Percival. My word, Bill old chap, I never knew you were 
so romantically inclined. 

Jed [A little ill-humored]. He's just trying to be a silly ass 
— ^that's all. [Bill grins broadly and is about to answer but 
Mandy has come back through the door with the coffee and 
three cups and saucers on a tray.] 

Bill. Ah-ha! The rich aroma of fragrant coffee is a 
cheerful thing, eh, Prince? [Jed gives him a hard look as if 
he is about to say something, but Bill gives a quick salute and 
grins so Jed is forced to laugh too.] Righto, your honor! 

Mandy. Here it am, Marse Jed, steaming hot. 

Jed. Thank you, Mandy. I'll remember you Christmas. 

Bill. And I'll get your birthday, Mandy. When is it? 
[Mandy is about to answer but he cuts her short.] Never mind 
just hang up two stockings. 

Mandy. Yassuh. [She is pouring the coffee.] 

Jed. By the way, Mandy, why did Miss Boots decide to 
leave before we got here ? 

Mandy [Confiding]. I tell you, Mr. Jed, I think she was 
afraid you was being late just for spite, and she called up dat 
Mr. Nutz just to cut at you. 

Jed. I thought so. 

Mandy. But she sho likes you, Mr. Jed. 

Bill. And boy she shows it. 

Mandy. Marse Ned he done tried to get her not to, but 
lawdy, she just don't pay no more attention to Marse Ned. So 
Marse Ned he's been saying he's going to get married or get 
a woman to stay here and look after her. 

Jed. She needs one. I'd like to be the woman he gets just 
long enough to give her one good spanking. 

Bill. Boy, how I would like to see that. I bid ahead of 
time to referee and if she knocks you out I swear to give you a 
long count. 

Mandy [Turning to go]. I'll go heat the coffee again, and 
I'll be back after a while to get the things. 

Jed. Thanks, Mandy. [She goes out with the coffee pot.] 

Bill [Suddenly. He is grinning broadly]. You know, talk- 
ing of spanking that young lady gives me a glowing feeling 
near the solar plexus, and I got an idea, boys — a great idea. 



22 Boots and Her Buddies 

Percival. Pour out the beans, old chap. 

Bill [Laughing loudly.] Ha, ha. You mean spill the 
beans — Spill the beans. 

Percival. Bah-jove, you're right — Spill the beans. 

Bill. Jed, you heard Mandy say that her old man was go- 
ing to employ a governess. 

Jed. Yes. 

Bill [Enthusiastically], How about you dressing up in 
that costume you wore to the masquerade last month over in 
Washington. Everybody thought you were a woman. If you 
could get him to hire you for just one day it would be a great 
joke on her. 

Percival. Bah-jove, that would be a ripping. 

Jed [Suddenly]. Say, I'll do it. 

Bill. Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. I just got to get a date so I 
can be around while this is being pulled off. 

Percival. Get me in too, old chap. 

[Just here Prof, comes through the door.] 

Prof. How do you do, gentlemen. Mandy told me you 
were here. 

Jed [He and the other boys rise]. Good evening, Mr. Boyd. 
These are my friends, Mr. Thompson and Mr. Manners. 

Prof. How do you do. [He shakes hands.] 

Bill. Howdy. 

Percival. How do you do. 

Prof. I'm sorry you found my daughter gone, but I am 
also glad to find that you made yourselves at home. 

Jed. Mandy took care of us. 

Prof. I feel that I must apologize for the way Boots acted 
tonight. I understand you were to come for her. 

Jed. That is all right, sir. We were a little late on account 
of running out of gas outside of town. 

Prof. I am sure the girls would be glad to have you go on 
down to the dance. You would not miss much of it. 

Jed. I'm sorry that we cannot go. I am leaving town for 
an extended trip tonight, and would not have been able to take 
in the dance anyway. 

Prof. I'm sure the girls will be sorry they did not get to 
see you. 



Boots and Her Buddies 23 

Jed. Give my regards to them and tell them that we were 
sorry we were forced to inconvenience them. 

Prof. I shall tell them. 

Jed. By the way, Mandy told us that you were thinking of 
employing a companion or governess for Boots. 

Prof. I had thought of it if I could get a dependable lady 
of refinement. 

Jed. When I heard of it I thought of a lady whom I know 
of, that would just fit the bill. She is a widow, dependable, 
refined and positive. I am sure you could not go wrong in 
securing her services. 

Prof. Who is she? [The boys exchange nervous glances, 
but Bill quickly supplies a name.] 

Bill. Mrs. Penny. She is unusually capable if you could 
get her. 

Prof. That sounds like the type of person I wanted. 

Jed. Shall I leave word for her to call around to see you 
within the next few days. 

Prof. By all means do so. Does she live here in town? 

Jed. Uh — No — That is, she is visiting in town at present. 

Prof. Then if you think she would be interested in the 
place ask her to call tomorrow. 

Jed. Then I shall get word to her before I leave town. 

Prof. I shall appreciate that. And if you gentlemen will 
excuse me I think I shall call Mandy and have a cup of coffee 
with you. [He goes through the door.] 

Jed [Excitedly]. Reckon I can pull it? 

Bill. Sure you can. No one would ever suspect it being 
you. 

Percival [Doubtfully]. I say, I don't see how you can do 
it. I don't think I would try it. 

Bill. Sure, he can do it. Fll bet twenty-five dollars he 
won't be recognized. 

Percival. Bah-jove, you know I think I'll take that bet. 

Bill. Fine. Hear that, Jed. He bet me twenty-five dol- 
lars. Boy, My money is on you. Now do your stuff. 

Jed. I'm not afraid of the old man recognizing me but I 
am a little afraid Boots will recognize my voice. 

Bill. Not a chance. She would never suspect it being you. 



24 Boots and Her Buddies 



Jed [Grinning} . Well, if I get in jail you fellows better get 

me out. 

Bill. Boy, this'll be great, eh, Perc old boy? 

Percival. It'll be the cat's pajamas, I'll say. 

Bill [Slapping him on the back]. Pajamas is right, old 
boy. Bah-jove, you're improving. Another month's lessons 
under me and you will be talking American too. 

[Quick curtain.] 



ACT II 

Time : Three days later. 

Place : Same as Act I. 

Scene: As the curtain rises Bill and Percival are seen to- 
gether upon the divan. Both are laughing as if they had a 
good joke. 

Bill. Anyway, you will have to admit that he is getting 
off with it in great style. 

Percival. Rawther too well. Bah-jove, he makes a dash- 
ing looking widow. 

Bill. I told you he could do it. You just as well pay me 
now. You are bound to lose. 

Percival. Not yet. The party has today and tomorrow to 
go. He might slip up before then. 

Bill. He talked this morning as if he was going to quit 
this afternoon. 

Percival. If he quits then the bet is off. 

Bill. Oh, no. That wasn't in the bargain. 

Percival. Sure it was, old chap. It wouldn't be fair to 
take my money if he quits before the party is up. 

Bill. Then I am going to see that he doesn't quit. I in- 
tend to get that twenty-five dollars. 

Percival [Laughing]. It's too bad he had to miss this party. 
These American girls are extremely charming. 

Bill. You ought to think so. The whole bunch of them 
have fallen for you. 

Percival. Oh, I say . . . 

[Just here Jed enters dressed in the character of a middle- 
aged widow. He has on a hat as if ready to go out. Bill sees 
him and begins grinning.] 

Bill [With affected politeness]. Ah, my dear Mrs. Penny! 
Your beauty enchants me so that I fain would pour out my 
love for you on bended knees. 

Widow [Coming forward]. Oh, shut up. 

Percival. You're positively great in that outfit. 

Widow. Listen. I'm quitting this foolishness. Which one 
of you is taking me home? 

Bill. You can't quit on us like that. 

Widow. I'm doing it whether I can or not. 



26 Boots and Her Buddies 



Bill [Pleadirig]. But if you quit I lose my bet with Percy, 
see. And I have to pay him twenty-five dollars. 

Widow. I don't care if you lose a hundred dollars. I am 
quitting just the same. 

Bill. And if you do I shall tell the whole thing to Boots 
and her father. 

Widow. You wouldn't dare. 

Bill. Wouldn't I ? For twenty-five dollars I would commit 
murder in these times. 

Widow. And if you tell, I intend to commit murder. 

Bill [To Percival]. You just as well get a piece of paper 
for me to make my last will, Percy, old boy. 

Widow. Are you serious about telling? 

Bill. Certainly I am. Percival says he won't pay me un- 
less you aren't recognized until tomorrow night, and he just 
won twenty dollars from me Tuesday. You can make out 
until tomorrow night. 

Widow [Suddenly]. What if I get fired? 

Bill. How about that, Percy? 

Percival. Of course, if you get fired without being recog- 
nized I guess I shall have to pay. 

Widow. Then watch me get fired. 

[Jane and Mary enter.] 

Jane. Oh, Mrs. Penny, I want to congratulate you upon 
the success with which you have helped Boots get off her 
party. Everything is perfect. 

Mary. And Boots says you planned it. 

Widow. Thanks. I'm glad you are enjoying yourselves. 

Mary. That picnic was an inspiration. It will be loads of 
fun. So much more than a formal dinner. 

Bill. I should say so. 

Jane [To Percival]. Come on, you. 

Bill. Where to now? 

Jane. You and Mary come on and find out. [She takes 
Percival by the arm and they leave.] 

Bill. Come on, Mary. Let's be nice little sheep and follow 
the leader. [They leave out too just as Boots enters at the 
rear.] 

Boots [Determined]. I just called up and found that I 



Boots and Her Buddies 27 

could still get an orchestra to play for my dance tonight. 

Wroow [Calmly]. I told you that your father had no money 
to spend in hiring an orchestra to play for your private dance. 

Boots. And who are you to be dictating to me? 

Widow. Your father put me in charge of things. I repeat 
that the phonograph and radio will be sufficient to dance by. 

Boots [Flaring up]. I shall not have you spoiling my party 
any longer. I shall get Daddy to fire you at once. 

Widow. Nothing could please me better. 

Boots. You want to quit, then? 

Widow. Yes. I don't care to be companion or governess 
to any girl who is so selfish that she will not even coaisider 
her father's financial circumstances, but who just spends and 
spends to make a big show even if it bankrupts him. 

Boots. I'm not selfish. [Prof, enters.] 

Widow. Perhaps you have a better name for it. 

Prof. What is the trouble now? 

Boots. I want you to fire her. I am not going to stand for 
her dictating to me, and spoiling my party any longer. 

Prof. What has she done? 

Boots. What ! What hasn't she done ? She insisted on in- 
viting that dumb Englishman and Bill Thompson at the last 
minute. 

Widow. You owed it to them after the way you treated 
them the other night. 

Prof. Certainly you did. 

Boots. And she wasn't content to change my formal dinner 
to a picnic on the lawn, but now she refuses to allow me to 
hire an orchestra for my dance. You have got to fire her. 
[She bolts out of the room in a huff.] 

Widow. Well, Mr. Boyd, I guess I had better quit. 

Prof [Greatly concerned]. By all means not. You are do- 
ing nicely. 

Widow. But my plans seem to irritate her no matter what 
I suggest. 

Prof. They are fine. The young people are having the 
time of their lives. 

Widow. But your daughter doesn't like them. 

Prop. [Shrugging his shoulders]. Don't pay any attention 



28 Boots and Her Buddies 

to her. She just isn't used to having anyone tell her what 
to do and what not to do. 

Widow. Anyway I think I had better go. 

Prof. But, my dear Mrs. Penny, I implore you to remain. 
You are doing exactly as I have wanted someone to do for 
a long time. 

Widow. But I . . . 

Prof [Interrupting]. Now don't say you cannot. If it is a 
matter of wages — 

Widow. No, no, it is not a matter of wages. 

Prof. I admire the way you handle Boots. I never have 
seen her obey anyone like this before. Now if I had told her 
to have a picnic party she would have had a formal dinner 
just to keep from doing what I told her to. 

Widow. The trouble is you are not positive. You give in to 
her whims. 

Prof. I realize that, and that is why I insist upon you re- 
maining. [Just here Stevens enters with his new wife. The 
wife is a rather prim lady who likes to talk more than anyone 
else on any subject raised.] 

Stevens. Hello, hello. Having callers today? 

Prof [Turning]. Why hello, Albert. Certainly I am. Come 
on in. 

Stevens. Just dropped in to show the wife off. 

Prof [Bowing to Mrs. Stevens]. How do you do, Mrs. 
Stevens. You two are enjoying married life, I presume? 

Mb.^.^. [Giggling]. Oh, yes. It is just wonderful. I never 
had an idea there was so much real pleasure in married life. 
[The widow turns to go.] 

Prof [Calling to her]. Just a minute, Mrs. Penny, I want 
you to meet my friends. Mrs. Stevens this is Mrs. Penny. 

Mrs. S. [Gushing]. Oh, I'm so glad to meet you Mrs. Penny. 

Widow. How do you do? 

Mrs. S. My husband told me you were here taking care of 
Mr. Boyd's daughter. I know it must be such fun having a 
grown daughter to manage. 

Widow. Er-uh Yes. It is interesting to say the least. 

Prof [Interrupting]. And this is my old friend, Mr. Ste- 
vens, Mrs. Penny. 



Boots and Her Buddies 29 

Stevens. I'm delighted to make your acquaintance, Mrs, 
Penny. 

Widow. How do you do? 

Stevens. I am sure you shall be quite an aid to Albert. 

Mrs. Stevens. I shall have to get your advice about man- 
aging children. [She looks at Stevens and giggles.] Just in 
case — you understand. 

Widow [Nonplussed]. Yes, uh — why certainly. I shall be 
glad to tell you all I know. 

Mrs. S. That will be fine. You have children of your own, 
of course? 

Widow. Oh, no. I don't have any. 

Mrs. S. Now that's too bad. How in the world did you 
come to know so much about managing them then? 

Widow. Oh, you just have to use common sense and be 
positive. [Trying to get away.] But I must beg to be excused. 
I have to go up to my room. 

Mrs. S. That is fine. I was dying for you to ask me to go 
up with you, I wanted to see your clothes. I know you have 
some lovely lingerie. 

Widow [Trying to find his way out of a predicament]. Well, 
now — I'm sorry I don't have time to show them to you now, 
I just remember that I have to go down to the kitchen to give 
some instructions to the cook. 

Mrs. S, That's even better. I want to get your advice about 
cooking, [Looking towards Stevens ivith adoration.] Albert 
does like good things to eat, and I am trying to find out some 
delightful dishes for him, [The Widow's face takes on a hope- 
less expression, but there is no way out. She turns and leaves 
the room with Mrs. Stevens beside her.] 

Mrs. S. Now I have a recipe for pastry that I know . . . 
[Her voice dies away as they disappear.] 

Stevens. Mrs, Penny seems to be quite a remarkable lady. 

Prop [Enthusiastic]. Indeed she is. She has been here 
only a day and a half and has already made herself indis- 
pensable. 

Stevens. Seems to be a capable sort, A stout, emphatic 
looking person. Gives one the impression of mannishness al- 
most. 



30 Boots and Her Buddies 

Prof. I was struck by the same thing. And quite a re- 
markable thing about it is that although Boots fusses about 
some things, she does exactly as Mrs. Penny says. I wish I 
had found her a long time ago. I'm sure Boots would have 
been better off. 

Stevens. Ned, you ought to get married again. You 
weren't married long enough the first time to realize what it is 
like. I would like to see you married to Audrey Hemingway. 

Prof. I'm afraid to consider it, Albert. I talked it over 
with Boots and she is bitterly opposed to my remarrying. I 
suppose I owe it to her not to. 

Stevens. I don't see it that way, Ned. No child should 
stand in the way of a parent's happiness. You have already 
given her several years of your life. She will soon be gone, 
and then you will be left alone. 

Prof [Meditating]. Well, maybe I shall still have time then. 

Stevens. Mrs. Penny wouldn't make a bad wife either, 
would she? Perhaps Boots would not be opposed to her. 

Prof [Interested]. I had thought of that. Mrs. Penny is 
certainly capable, and probably would make a better mother 
for Boots than Mrs. Hemingway. But do you think it would 
be all right? 

Stevens. Certainly it would be all right. What would be 
wrong with it if she is a nice lady? It is your life, isn't it? 
What do you care what anyone else thinks? 

Prof [Thinking]. Yes, maybe you're right. 

[Mrs. Stevens and the Widow re-enter.] 

Mrs. S. And you must call on us real soon. I am going to 
have you over to dinner with us. 

Widow. That is so nice of you, I'm sure. 

Mrs. S. Albert, dear, we must be going. I have a lot of 
things to get in town. 

Prof. You two must drop in again soon. 

Mrs. S. Oh, we shall. And you are coming out to dinner 
tomorrow night with us. We shall have a table of bridge af- 
terwards. [Winking.] I have invited Mrs. Hemingway over 
to make a fourth. 

Prof. That will be nice. 



Boots and Her Buddies 31 

Mrs. S. See you then. [She waves good-bije, and they 
leave.] 

Prof. Good-bye. [He turns to see the Widow about to go 
through the other door. He ivatches her go and nods his head 
to show he is interested, straightens his tie and walks over to 
the mirror. He mutters approvingly.] Sex appeal. [Smiles.] 
Maybe she was right. 

[Laughter and voices are heard outside and Bill and Perci- 
val enter with Jane and Mary. They call out hello, etc., to 
Prof.] 

Prof. Oh, hello. Come in. 

Bill, It is a great party, Professor. 

Jane. I'll say. We have been having more fun than any- 
thing. 

Percival. It's v^^hat I would call the raspberries. [He grins 
at his saying. The others laugh loudly, and Prof looks blank- 
ly. Percival, sensing he has said the ivrong thing looks to- 
ivards Bill.] 

Bill [Coming to his rescue quickly]. He means berries. 
Professor. 

Percival. That's right. It's quite the berries. [Prof 
smiles.] 

Bill. You see he is having a time learning to speak Ameri- 
can. 

Prof. I see. Well, I'm glad to hear you are enjoying your- 
selves. 

Mary. That picnic and swimming party was a great idea. 
How about joining us in the swim? 

Prof. Oh, I haven't had on a bathing suit in years. 

Mary. All the more reason you should try it. You would 
feel ten years younger. 

Bill. Righto, Professor. I'll challenge you to a hundred 
yard dash. 

Jane [Pleading]. Yes, do. How about it? 

Prof [Interested]. I'll do it! 

Mary. Oh, goody. 

Bill. Bravo, Professor! 

Percival. That's sporting, old chap. 

Jane. Oh ! And let's get Mrs. Penny to go along too. 



32 Boots and Her Buddies 

Mary. Yes. Come on, Professor and let's ask her now. 
[Bill and Percival exchange sly glances.] 

Prof. Wonder if she swims? 

Bill. Excellently. Don't let her fool you. 

Mary. Are you sure she does? 

Bill. Absolutely certain. I have seen her do some fancy 
diving too. 

Jane. Come on then. [The two girls and the Professor 
leave. 'Bill and Percival face each other laughing.] 

Bill. Boy, I would like to see his face when they ask him 
that. 

Percival. That would be jolly, bah-jove. [They are laugh- 
ing heartily when Boots enters.] 

Boots [Smiling pleasantly]. What's all the fun? Can't I 
hear the joke? 

Bill. Unh-uh, unh,-uh ! I'm afraid it would make the little 
girl blush. 

Boots. I'm blush proof. 

Bill [Teasing], But this joke was like the driver's en- 
trance on the left hand side of the old model T Ford. 

Boots. How was that? 

Bill. For men only. [They laugh.] 

Boots. Smarty. 

Percival. I say. Miss Boyd, this is a dashingly clevah 
party you're giving. 

Boots [Pleased]. Enjoying it? 

Bill. I'll say ! You know, I didn't think you had it in you 
to be real human like this. I just saw myself standing around 
in a tuxedo, wearing my adam's apple raw on a high collar, 
and playing thimble all evening. Never thought we would 
have all this fun. 

Boots. It's nice of you to say it. 

Bill. Boy, how I wish old Jed was here to enjoy it. You 
know he was all washed up when he didn't get to see you the 
other night? 

Boots. Was he? 

Bill [In a grand manner]. Lady he was in tears. 

Boots [Smiling]. Oh, you're crazy. 

Bill. No, honest. That boy is wild about you. 



Boots and Her Buddies 83 

Boots. Then he should have been here on time. 

Bill. But my dear lady of the golden [brown as the case 
may be.] tresses, I have tried to explain that the fault was 
all mine. Why old Jed ran two miles after that gas and all 
the way back. Why when he got back to the car his tongue 
was hanging out of his mouth like a fox hound's. 

Boots. Oh, you're crazy. 

Bill. Isn't that right, Perc, old boy — hanging out at least 
a foot? 

Percival. Well, I would say you were substantially correct. 

Bill. See there ! Lady you will have to argue a right smart 
before St. Peter will let you by the golden gate for making 
Jed suffer like that. 

Boots. You make me feel terrible. [Confiding.] You know, 
I was really crazy about him too. Only he wouldn't give in 
an inch about nothing. 

Bill [As if in despair]. There she goes admitting she loves 
him. Why wasn't I speaking for myself, John? Come to 
think of it, I'll do it anyway. How about clearing out so I can 
talk to the lady, Percy, old chap. 

Percival. I had already sensed your bashfulness and was 
on my way. [He goes out.] 

Boots [Smiling]. You're never serious a minute. 

Bill. Now I am going to be. How about a date for the 
swim? 

Boots. I had half-way promised Howard. 

Bill. Oh, nertz! 

Boots. That's right. 

Bill. What's right? 

Boots. Nutz is his name. Howard Nutz. 

Bill. No, no. I said nertz. Any kind of nertz. 

Boots. Now was that nice? 

Bill. Maybe not, but the Nutz fellow is all nuts — going 
about with a chip on his shoulder as if he owned you and the 
place around here. 

Boots. There now, you're jealous. 

Bill. Then you had better give me that date if you don't 
want me to commit murder. 

Boots. Murder? 



34 Boots and Her Buddies 



Bill. Yes. If you go to the lake with Nutz this afternoon 
I intend to drown him. And, by the way he is the second one 
I've threatened to murder today. 

Boots [Pretending she is shocked] . My, you are desperate. 

Bill [Folding his arms across his breast in imitation of an 
Indian]. Humph! Heap big Chief Drown-Em-In-The-Lake. 
Heap bad man. 

Boots [Laughing heartily]. You win. 

Bill. Lady, you saved my life. For that I shall have to 
kiss you once just for old Jed. 

Boots. Hold on, not so fast. Let Jed kiss for himself. 

Bill. Alas, lady, you must go to your grave a virgin. Jed 
wouldn't have the nerve. 

Boots. That's why I like him. 

Bill. And I thought all ladies were pining away to be 
kissed. 

Boots. Then you're still learning. [Starting off.] But I 
must be going. I'll see you after a while. [She leaves.] 

Bill. Righto, kid. [He turns in time to see the Widow 
poke her head through the door to peep furtively, and seeing 
no one in the room comes in. Bill grins at him and then 
strikes a grandiloquent manner.] 

Bill. Ah, fair maid. Your beauty ravishes me, and speech 
almost deserts me. 

Widow [Furiously]. You pipe down. Why the sam hill 
did you send those idiots in there to get me to go swimming? 

Bill [Grinning]. It was their idea. Not mine. 

Widow. You told them I could swim. They won't take any 
excuse. 

Bill [Quoting]. Yes, I'll admit it. I chopped down the 
cherry tree with my little hatchet. I cannot tell a lie. 

Widow [Angrily]. Fool! 

Bill. What's wrong with you going swimming? 

Widow [Exasperated]. Wrong? 

Bill. Put on your bathing suit, and give them an eye full 
of feminine charm. Those legs would ravish the professor. 

Widow. Go jump in the lake. 

Bill. I might drown. 

Widow. You don't think I would cry, I hope. 



Boots and Her Buddies 35 

Bill. But think of Boots. She would be saddened for life. 

Widow [Seriously]. I'm getting out of here. You tell them 
I had to go to town. 

Bill. I'll not do it. If you quit I am going to tell them 
the whole secret. 

Widow. You better not. 

Bill. Boy, I would love it. 

Widow. But I tell you they insist on me swimming. 

Bill. Then go on and swim. You could put in a few pads 
[Motioning with hands.] at advantageous spots to help the 
cause, couldn't you? 

Widow. No. 

Bill. Then, think up an excuse. 

Widow. They won't take any. 

Bill [Grinning]. And I thought you were a lady. Pretend 
you have a headache. Any lady would have thought of that 
a long time ago. 

Widow. I'm getting out of here. That's what I am going 
to do. 

Bill. And I shall tell on you, and what would your chances 
be with Boots then? 

Widow. I don't have any chance anyway. 

Bill. Don't you! Boy, she just told me an earfull about 
how she loved you. 

Widow [Interested]. She did? 

Bill. That she did. And I have a date with her this after- 
noon to keep her from being with that Nutz fellow, and I am 
going to court her for you. When I finish talking to her and 
you return from your extended trip she is going to call you 
up straight and propose to you. 

Widow. Like heck she will. 

Bill. Sure, she will. If you will just go on and play the 
widow so I can win that twenty-five smackers from Percival. 
You see I recommended you and my reputation is at stake. If 
you were to desert now, what would they think of me? I just 
a while ago gave the professor my word of honor that you 
would stick through thick and thin. 

Widow. Of all the crazy things I ever got into this is the 
worst. I have been dying for a cigarette for three days. 



36 Boots and Her Buddies 



Bill. If a cigarette is all, here's one. [Hands Widow one. 
She takes it and starts to feel in usual place for pocket to get 
a match. Bill sees him.] 

Bill. No pockets? That's another reason for not wanting 
to be a woman. Here's a match. [Widow takes the match and 
has just lighted the cigarette when voices are heard approach- 
ing.] 

Bill. Lookout! Better duck it. [Widow looks frantically 
for a place to put it, starts to throw it on floor but stops and 
Bill reaches over, takes the cigarette from her fingers.'] 

Bill. Be nonchalant — smoke a Murad. [He is calmly 
smoking when the others enter. The Widow goes through the 
door when Jane and Mary enter.] 

Jane. Oh, hello. Where is Percival? 

Mary. We have lost him, and can't find him anywhere. 

Bill [Bantering]. Why worry about that dumb English- 
man, when you have a genuine American from the famous 
Mayflower stock right here at your service. 

Jane [Laughs with Mary]. Oh, you're so crazy. Bill. Don't 
you ever get serious? 

Bill [Assuming a hu7't dignity]. Certainly I get serious. 
But do you expect a fellow to stand aside and allow himself to 
pine away in sorrow and neglect while every girl on this party 
goes wild about a bally Englishman? 

Jane. Really, isn't he the cutest thing? 

Mary. And he says "bah-jove," and "ripping" so funny 
like. 

Bill [Imitating Percival.] Then bah-jove I think I shall 
take up talking the bally English language, and maybe I can 
get some attention. 

Jane. Ah, but Boots just told us you had a date with her. 

Mary. So you can't blame us for not wasting any time on 
you. 

Bill. There you go, and that Englishman can have a dozen 
dates and still every girl here tries to edge in. 

Jane [Laughing]. But he says such funny things. 

Bill. If I ever have a son I am going to name him Percival 
Reginald. 

Jane [Laughing]. Why? 



Boots and Her Buddies 37 

Bill. I want him to be a boxer. 

Jane. I don't see the connection between the name Percival 
Reginald and a boxer. 

Bill. Think of all the practice he will get when he starts 
to school with a name like that. [They laugh.] 

Mary. Oh, come on, silly. [They start out just as Mandy 
comes in. Bill sees her.] 

Bill. Hello, Mandy. Be sure to have some of those cookies 
out at the picnic. They were great. 

Mandy [Pleased]. I'll sho' do it, Mr. Bill. I done cooked 
a big pan full. [Laughs gleefully.] 

Bill. That a girl, Mandy! And if they are as good as 
those the other night you can hang up three stockings Christ- 
mas. [He disappears.] 

Mandy. Now, dat Mr. Bill is sho' a fine young gen-man. 

[Place for Howard and other girls to enter if added char- 
acters are wanted.] 

[Boots enters.] 

Boots. Mandy, I have been looking for you. 

Mandy. What is it, honey? 

Boots. Father says I have been rude to Mrs. Penny and 
that I ought to apologize. Do you think I had? 

Mandy. Well, now, honey, I do think you ought to treat 
her a little better. She seems to be doing all right. 

Boots. But she bosses me around. Just orders me like I 
was her child. 

Mandy. Well, you know, Marse Ned he done hired her to 
look after you, and maybe you been a little hard-headed. 

Boots. I guess maybe I have, Mandy. 

Mandy. Maybe if you wuz to be kinda nice like to her she 
would be different. 

Boots [Dubiously]. I'll try it. Maybe I have been too 
headstrong. [Flaring up.] But I don't like to be told what 
I've got to do. 

Mandy [Coaxinghj]. You try being nice to her. I think 
she'll be all right. You know she ain't bothered up with my 
kitchen at all. 

Boots. Uh-huh. So that's the reason you like her? 

Mandy. Well, I think you will like her after you know 



38 Boots and Her Buddies 



her better. [She turns to go.] Marse Ned would be mighty 
glad if you would. 

Boots. All right, Mandy. I am going to try being nice to 
her for a change and see if it works. 

Mandy [Turning near the door]. But if she don't treat you 
right, chile, you just come to your Mandy and tell her. 

Boots. I'll do it, Mandy. [Mandy disappears, and the 
Widow comes in with a suitcase. She tries to slip through the 
room and is almost at the opposite door when Boots turns 
around.] 

Boots. Where are you going? 

Widow [Suddenly stopping]. I — I'm going away. 

Boots. Not for good? 

Widow. Yes, I'm quitting. 

Boots [With concern]. No, don't. 

Widow. Tell your father that I won't be back. 

Boots [Going up to her impulsively, and taking the suitcase 
from her hands]. Now please don't go. 

Widow. I really must. [Reaches for the suitcase again.] 

Boots. Just a minute. Why do you want to go? 

Widow [Searching for an excuse]. I don't think I am needed. 

Boots. Certainly you are needed. We couldn't do without 
you. 

Widow [Surprised at this turn of events]. But you have 
been quarreling at every suggestion I have made since I have 
been here. 

Boots. I know. I have been a brute, and I realize that you 
have made my party a grand success. [Suddenly bursting into 
tears and throwing herself upon the widow's breast.] And 
I have been such a little beast. 

[The widow is dumbfounded, embarrassed and nervous.] 

Widow [Trying to make the most of the situation]. There 
— there, now ! Don't cry. It's all right. 

[Bill enters and seeing the situation, slaps his hand over his 
mouth to keep from bursting into laughter. Jed catches his 
eye, and looks sheepish.] 

Boots [Still sobbing with her head buried on the Widow's 
breast]. Can you ever forgive me? I promise not to be rude 
again if you will stay. 



Boots and Her Buddies 39 

Bill [Coming forward]. Eh, eh! What's this? Mrs. 
Penny is not leaving? 

Boots [Raising her head and applying a handkerchief]. Yes. 
Please help me persuade her to stay. Father would be terribly 
upset at me, because she was leaving on account of my rude- 
ness. 

[The Widow gives Bill an imploring look.] 

Bill [Ignoring it]. Why, certainly you musn't leave, Mrs. 
Penny. You musn't even think of it. [To Boots.] Why I 
am sure that now you have apologized she will not even con- 
sider leaving. 

Boots [Brightening and turning to the Widoiv]. Will you 
stay? 

Widow [Undecided but Bill makes a gesture meant to con- 
vey that he will tell if she doesn't stay]. Yes — Yes. I sup- 
pose so. 

Boots [Impulsively kisses the Widow's cheek much to her 
embarrassment]. Fm so glad. We shall be the best of friends. 

Bill [Enjoying the situation]. Ah! And I would have 
sold my birthright for that kiss. Why wasn't I bom a widow? 

Boots [Picking up the suitcase]. Here, I'll take this back 
to your room, and I shall tell Father you aren't going away. 
[She goes out. Bill is almost convulsed while the Widow gives 
him a terrible look.] 

Widow. I could gladly kill you. 

Bill. Unh-uh! Unh-uh! Remember the Ten Command- 
ments. Thou shalt not kill. 

Widow. I don't think the Lord had in mind any such fool 
as you are when he made them. 

Bill. Oh, now come on and play the game through. You 
can quit as soon as this house party is over tomorrow, and I 
won't say a word. You started out on it for a lark, and I bet 
twenty-five good smackers you would keep them fooled. 

Widow. It is easy enough for you to say go ahead, go ahead. 
But you don't understand. Her father is beginning to act 
goofy about me. 

Bill [Grinning broadly]. Don't tell me so! 

Widow. I'm expecting him to begin making love to me 



40 Boots and Her Buddies 



every time he gets near me. I have spent all morning dodging 
him. 

Bill. Oh, boy, I must tell that to Perc. It'll positively slay 
him. 

Widow. If you do I intend to give you a good beating. 

Bill. This will be worth a beating. 

Widow. But what am I to do? 

Bill [Pretending embarrassment]. Now don't ask me. 

Widow. He will certainly find out if he starts making love 
to me. 

Bill. Slap him and make him keep his hands in place. 
[Laughs.] 

Widow. Fool ! 

Bill. Call on your past experience. Do what all the girls 
you ever proposed to did. Put your finger in the corner of 
your mouth like this, pretend to be terribly embarrassed, and 
say. "Oh, Professor, this is so sudden," and then put him off. 

Widow. But they are beginning to ask such embarrassing 
questions. To cap the stacks that Mrs. Stevens wanted to see 
my lingerie. [Bill bursts into laughter.] Next thing I expect 
is for some of them to be sent up to sleep with me. 

Bill [Pretending to be shocked]. Oh, Mrs. Penny! 

[Suddenly furious, the Widow makes a pass at Bill with her 
fist but he dodges, and they grapple.] 

Bill. Cut it out, woman. 

Widow. I'm leaving this place and you're going to promise 
not to tell. [They fall with Bill on top. He sits astride of her 
and holds her down.] 

Widow [Puffing awaij]. These dad-burn skirts. Just wait 
till I get them off. 

Bill. Think how the Professor would look if he saw you 
with them off. 

Widow [Struggling]. Get off me. 

Bill. Not until you promise to keep your head. 

Widow. I don't promise anything until you agree not to tell. 

Bill. I guess we had better compromise then. Think how 
shocked the Professor would be if he saw you in this position. 
And I know my reputation would not be worth a cent. 

Widow. Then promise you won't tell. 



Boots and Her Buddies 41 

Bill. Me promise? Say, who has got who down, I'd like 
to know? 

Widow [Still angry]. Just wait till I get up from here. 

[Noises are heard approaching.] 

Bill [Jumping up and attempting to help the widow to her 
feet.] Get up quick. Here someone comes. 

[Boots and the Professor enter and take in the situation.] 

Bill [Gallantly assisting the Widow to rise]. My dear Mrs. 
Penny, I sincerely hope you didn't injure yourself seriously. 

Prof [Crossing over quickly to assist]. What happened? 
Are you hurt? 

Boots. Did you fall? 

Bill. Mrs. Penny had the ill fortune to trip and fall. 

Prop [Very solicitous]. I hope you aren't badly injured. 

Widow. No, no, thanks. Fm all right. Just a slight fall. 

Prof [Relieved]. I'm so glad you aren't badly hurt. 

Bill. Professor, I think you better assist Mrs. Penny to 
her room. I doubt if she will feel like joining the swimming 
party now. 

Boots. I shall go ahead and prepare her bed. [She leaves 
out.] 

Prop. I am so sorry you won't be able to take in the swim- 
ming. Are you sure you won't be able to go? 

Widow [Starting off and affecting a limp]. Oh no, I posi- 
tively couldn't. I have hurt my leg. 

Bill. By all means then you shouldn't walk without assis- 
tance. 

Prop. Yes, to be sure. Just catch hold of my shoulder and 
I shall assist you. 

Widow [With a look at Bill as if to say I could kill you]. 
No, I'll be all right. 

Bill. A woman is bashful like that, Professor. Go ahead 
and put your arm around her so she won't have to bear all the 
weight on that injured limb. Or maybe I had better help. 

Prof [Quickly putting his arm about the Widow, and is as- 
sisting her when Mrs. Hemingway appears in the opposite 
door.] No, no. I can take care of her. 

Mrs. H. [Not understanding the situation]. Um-m-h! I 
beg your pardon. 



42 Boots and Her Buddies 



Bill. Oh, it is all right, Mrs. Hemingway. Come right in. 
The Widow just fell and injured her leg — I mean her hip, and 
the Professor is assisting her to her room. 

Prof [Suddenly stopping on hearing her voice. He releases 
the Widow and turns embarrassed]. Ah — yes. Mrs. Penny 
had a dreadful fall, and won't be able to join us at the swim- 
ming party. We are about ready to leave now. Won't you 
join us? 

Mrs. H. No, no. I don't swim, thank you. You just go 
ahead. If Mrs. Penny is not going I shall remain here and 
keep her company. 

Prof. Well, that will be nice of you. I'm sure Mrs. Penny 
will appreciate having company, eh, Mrs. Penny? 

Widow. Eh — uh — yes. Certainly. 

Prof. Then you will excuse me, I must be getting ready. 

Mrs. H. To be sure. You men run right along. We women 
know how to entertain ourselves. [Prof and Bill start to go.] 

Bill [Smiling towards the Widow]. And be sure to have 
her tell you about her operation, Mrs. Hemingway. [Prof, 
and Bill leave.] 

Mrs. H. Come on and have a seat, my dear. I know you 
must feel like sitting after such a dreadful fall. 

Widow [Trying to be polite]. Yes, yes, thanks. [They sit] 

Mrs. H. I do hope it isn't serious. 

Widow. I'm sure it won't be. 

Mrs. H. [Launching into a story]. Now, the day before I 
was operated on for appendicitis I fell . . . [Suddenly.] You 
don't have appendicitis do you? 

Widow. Uh — no. No, I . . . 

Mrs. H. [Interrupting]. That's fine. Now as I said, the 
day before I was operated on I fell and it positively caused 
my appendix to burst and I had a dreadful time. Why I have 
a scar right here [Indicating spot.] that must be at least six 
inches long. 

Widow [Disgusted, she rises]. Why my dear, only six inch- 
es long? Now when I was operated on they cut me from here 
to here. [Indicating all the way across her stomxich.] 

Mrs. H. [Rising with astonishment and interest]. Really! 
How remarkable. [She approaches the Widow.] I never 



Boots and Her Buddies 43 

heard of such an incision. You must show it to me at once. 

Widow [A frantic look for a moment as if trying to find a 
way out, then she meets the situation by throwing her head 
into the air as if with offended dignity, and turns on her heel]. 
Humph ! How revolting, Mrs. Hemingway. [She marches out 
with head in the air. Mrs. Hemingway stands looking after 
her for a second, and then says.] 

Mrs. H. Humph! Why the cat! As if it wasn't perfect- 
ly nice to see an operation scar. 

[Quick Curtain.] 



ACT III 

Time: The next evening. 

Place: The same. 

Scene: As the curtain rises Jane and Howard are seen 
playing double-solitaire upon the divan, while Mary looks over 
a comic section of the paper. Jane and Howard play out a 
couple of cards. Mary drops the paper into her lap. 

Mary. Say, where in the world did Percy and Bill get to 
all of a sudden? 

Mary. They went to town for something. 

Jane. They did? All by themselves? 

Mary. I think so. 

Jane. Well, I like that — not even asking me to go. 

Howard [Unpleasantly]. I don't see what you find so at- 
tractive about that pair. 

Jane [Def eliding]. Why both of them are cute. 

Mary [To Howard]. Don't you dare say anything about 
Percy. [Putting her finger to her lip.] Jane is smitten. 

Jane. Little you know about it. 

Mary. It's in your eyes, honey. 

Howard. I guess there is no accounting for some people's 
taste. 

Jane. Now, don't be prudish, Howard. Both of them were 
somewhat strangers and we owed it to them to show them a 
good time. 

Howard. You don't have to neglect all the rest of us just 
to do it. 

Mary [Teasing]. Law, but we thought you were the next 
thing to married to Boots, and it wouldn't look nice for us to 
horn in when it was at her own party. 

Howard [Sullenly]. That's some excuse, when she hasn't 
given me a minute for the past two days. 

Jane. I have felt sorry for you Howard. Bill seems to be 
giving her the grand rush, and Mary is green with envy. 

Mary. It isn't so, and you know it. 

Jane. I tell you, you give Mary the rush and that will keep 
her from vamping Percy, and then I will have a better chance. 
Howard. I refuse to be a rival to that wise-cracking, Bill 
Thompson. 



Boots and Her Buddies 45 

Jane. Oh, now don't get sore and spoil the party, Howard. 

Mary [Laughing]. I tell you, Howard, how about giving 
the Widow Penny a rush. She seems to be gaining in favor 
among the boys. Bill and Percy are both about to fall for her. 

Howard [Rising in ill humor]. Now, if you two insist on 
razzing me I refuse to stay. [He stalks out.] 

Jane [Turning up her nose in his direction.] Humph! He 
seems to have stepped upon a nettle or something. 

Mary. He certainly doesn't like Bill edging in on Boots. 

Jane. Do you think Boots really likes Bill? 

Mary. I don't think so. She is too desperately in love with 
Jed. 

Jane. I never was so glad of anything in my life than I 
was when Jed left without seeing her, after the way she 
treated him the night of the dance. 

Mary. And she hasn't heard a word from him either. 

Jane. Serves her right. That's Boots' fault. She has had 
her own way until she thinks she can wrap anybody about 
her finger and dictate to them like she does to poor Howard. 

Mary. Well, Jed was one she couldn't do anything with. 

Jane. That's why she liked him so much. No matter how 
civilized a woman gets she still likes a regular cave man for 
a lover. She likes to be ruled. 

Mary. She seems to have got an over dose of bossing from 
Mrs. Penny. 

Jane. That's different. She will be bossed by a man, but 
don't let a woman do it or there will be hair-pulling right 
straight. 

Mary [Interested]. Say, you know, there is something 
about Mrs. Penny that reminds me of Jed. In her voice or 
something. 

Jane. That's queer I had noticed it too. 

Mary, I guess it is her voice. 

Jane. No, I think it is her eyes and nose. 

Mary. I thought it her mouth more than her eyes. 

Jane. We won't quarrel about it. Maybe it was all of 
them combined. [Howard appears in the doorway.] 

Howard. Say, how about a little dance? The radio is good 
right now. 



46 Boots and Her Buddies 



Jane [She and Mary jump up] . Coming. [They hurry out, 
and Bill sticks his head in at the opposite door and takes a look 
around, and then turns around and says.] 

Bill. Come on. The coast is clear. [He enters followed by 
Percival ivho carries a hand bag.] I just rather not have to 
explain off this handbag. 

Percival. I guess it would be difficult. 

Bill [Suddenly laughing]. Well, Perc, old chap, it looks 
like you pay me twenty-five dollars. 

Percy. Bah-jove, I'm getting nervous. I never had an 
idea he could do it. 

Bill. I knew he could. Boy, don't ever bet with your Uncle 
Dudley. It's just donating, boy — just donating. 

Percival. So it seems. [Just here the Widow enters from 
the opposite door. Bill sees her.] 

Bill. We got them all right. 

Widow. They won't do any good. You're going to take me 
back to town. 

Bill. What's wrong now ? 

Widow. I refuse to go on any further with this thing. The 
Professor has been trying to get me alone all morning, and 
I've got a cold from sleeping in that plague-taked gown. It 
crawled up around my neck and I have frozen and choked to 
death for the past three nights. 

Bill. But I brought your pajamas. I have them inside. 

Widow. Did you bring me a new razor? 

Bill. Sure. But what happened to your razor? 

Widow. I hid it in the waste basket to keep anyone from 
seeing it and Mandy threw it into the furnace. 

Bill. Your face looks pretty rough. Better hurry along 
and shave. 

Widow [Pleading]. Come on, Bill, and be a sport. Let me 
out of this. I tell you I can't go on with it. 

Bill. No, I don't either. There is just tonight, and I lose 
twenty-five dollars if you don't go through with it. 

Percival. I thought you were going to get fired. 

Widow [Disconsolately]. That was no good. I tried every- 
thing I knew fo get fired. I made Boots mad, and insulted 
the Professor, and Boots has apologized, and the Professor 



Boots and Her Buddies 47 

has praised me, and now is about to propose. 

Bill. Stall him off, do anything for one day longer. 

Percival. I think I shall go look up the girls. [He starts 
out.] 

Bill. Tell Boots I'll be there shortly. 

Percival. Righto, old chap. [He disappea7's,] 

Widow [Accusingly]. And I'll say you're a pal. After I 
got you and Percival an invitation over here you blackmail me 
into keeping up this foolishness, and then on top of that you 
have to start making love to my girl. That's a pal for you. 

Bill. Oh, calm down ! Calm down. Why I courted her for 
you two whole days, and just started for myself on the third. 
Surely I got a right to one day out of three. 

Widow [Flaring up]. Well, you making love to her is out 
if I continue to play the Widow. Either you quit making love 
to Boots or I quit, and let them find out who I am. 

Bill. Oh, all right. I promise. [Just here Boots enters 
with thread and needle. She sees the two. She gives Bill a 
"tneaning glance and says.] 

Boots. Oh, I beg your pardon. I didn't know you two were 
talking. 

Bill. Oh, it's all right. Come right in. I just came back 
from up town. Went over to get some things for Mrs. Penny. 

Boots. In that bag there? 

Bill. Yes. 

Boots. I see. Oh, Mrs. Penny I have a run in my hose, and 
I want you to sew it up for me. Here is a needle and thread, 
[She hands them to the Widow who takes them because there 
is no way out. Bill is behind Boots' back grinning.] ' 

Widow. Really, I haven't time right this minute. 

Boots. Oh, it won't take a second. You can just catch it 
up right now while I have them on. 

Bill [Cleariiig his throat loudly]. Ah-ah-ah! Had I per- 
haps better retire. 

Boots [Sitting down and holding her leg out toivards the 
Widow], Why, no, silly. There's nothing private about hav- 
ing a run caught in one's hose. 

Bill. Then I shall remain and see how it is performed. 
This ought to be interesting. 



48 Boots and Her Buddies 

Boots. What's interesting about this pray tell? 

Bill [Grinning]. I might have a run in my sox sometime, 
and knowing how to fix it might come in handy. 

Boots [Turning to the Widow and seeing her standing there 
with the needle and spool of thread]. Go ahead and thread 
the needle, please. I'm in a hurry. 

Widow [She is desperate. Trying to thread needle]. Really, 
I can't see to thread the needle. I don't have my glasses. 

Bill [Quickly]. Here, I'll thread it for you. [He takes 
them and threads the needle and hands it back. The Widow 
gives him a killing look.] 

Boots. Oh, I didn't know you wore glasses. 

Widow [Haltingly]. I — I — That is, I don't wear them ex- 
cept for tedious things like sewing. 

Boots. Then I guess I shall have to do it myself. [She 
takes the needle and thread from Bill and gets up to leave.] 
By the way, I have two friends coming to spend the night 
with me and we don't have enough beds. Will it be all right 
for me to share yours with you tonight, Mrs. Penny? [Bill 
has walked over towards the door and when Boots says this 
the Widow looks over at him with a frantic expression and 
Bill slaps his hand over his mouth to smother a laugh and 
darts out of the door. Boots turns to see what happened, and 
sees him dart out. She turns towards the Widow with a ques- 
tioning look.] 

Boots. What was wrong with him, I wonder? 

Widow. I'm wondering myself. 

Boots. I'm sure you won't mind having me sleep with you? 

Widow. Uh — uh — Why, no. You may have my room. I 
am spending the night with friends in town anyway. 

Boots [Relieved]. Then that simplifies matters. 

Widow. There is something I have wanted to talk to you 
about. 

Boots. Yes. 

Widow. I see you have been with that young man who 
just left here quite a bit for the past few days. 

Boots. What of it? 

Widow. I don't think he is the kind of young man that you 
should fall in love with. 



Boots and Her Buddies 49 

Boots. I think he is nice. 

Widow. He may be nice, but still I don't think you should 
take up any time with him. 

Boots. I'm sure he is all right, or Jed Harding would never 
have introduced him to me. 

Widow [Pleased]. Oh, so you know Jed very well? 

Boots [Interested], Yes. He was the one recommended 
you. 

Widow. Why yes, I believe that is right. 

Boots. Do you know where he went on this trip? 

Widow. Why no, I do not. 

Boots. Well, I think he was horrid to go off and not write 
me a word. 

Widow. Do you care whether he writes or not? 

Boots. Yes, I do. [Confiding.] In fact I am afraid I am 
in love with him. 

Widow [About to forget]. Really. [Remembering her part.] 
I wonder if he knows it? 

Boots. Maybe not. You see, I acted foolishly and tried to 
be stubborn and he wouldn't stand for it. 

Widow [Assuming a critical attitude]. That must have been 
hateful of him. 

Boots [Defending]. But it wasn't. I would have hated him 
if he had let me run over him. He wouldn't have been a real 
man if he had. 

Widow. I see. Then you should call him up the minute he 
returns and apologize. 

Boots. I intend to. I would write him and apologize if I 
knew where to write to. 

Widow. Then I shall try to find out for you. 

Boots. Oh, will you? 

Widow. I'll try. 

Boots. But no one seems to know where he went. Not even 
Bill and Percival, and they are his close friends. 

Widow. I'll see what I can do. 

Boots. I hope you do. 

Widow. And you will promise not to have many dates with 
Bill? 

Boots. Why are you so interested in that? 



50 Boots and Her Buddies 



Widow. I have every reason to mind. 

Boots. Indeed ! 

Widow. Yes — indeed ! 

Boots. What are some of them, pray? 

Widow [Stumbling for a reply]. Well — uh — well, I was 
hired by your father to look after you for one. 

Boots [Stubbornly]. He didn't hire you to make dates for 
me. 

Widow. But you aren't going to have any more dates with 
Bill. 

Boots. I am. And I have to go sew up these hose. I 
am just going to move my things over in your room. [She 
starts to pick up the suitcase.] And since I am going up I 
shall just take this along for you. 

Widow [Frantically grabbing at the bag as Boots lifts it]. 
No. No, I'll take it. Never mind. 

Boots. Oh, I'll take it. I'm going right up there now. [She 
starts off and the Widow pulls frantically at the bag. It flies 
open and the contents fall out upon the floor. There is a razor, 
a pair of B.V.D.'s and a pair of men's pajamas.] 

Boots. Oh, I'm so sorry. I'll get them up, 

[The Widow looks for a second paralyzed as Boots stoops to 
pick them up, then she stoops rapidly and attempts to cram 
them back herself.] 

Widow. No, no. I'll get them. 

Boots [Picking up the pajamas and looking at them]. Why, 
how funny. These are men's pajamas. 

Widow. Yes — I — I wear men's pajamas almost all the time. 
I find them warmer. 

Boots [Looks closely at the pajamas, her eyes widen and 
she looks up at the Widow who does not see her as she is busy 
getting the things back into the bag. Boots looks at her sus- 
piciously for a second and nods her head under standingly]. 
Oh, I see — Yes, I think I understand. 

Widow [Catching the note in her voice looks up at her]. 
Understand what? 

Boots [Rising from her knees]. That men's pajamas are 
warmer than women's. [She hands them back to the Widow 
who puts them into the bag.] 



Boots and Her Buddies 51 

Widow. Oh, yes, indeed . . . Much warmer. 

Boots [A^ixious to go]. Yes, I guess so. [She leaves hur- 
riedly, and the Wido2v stands looking at her with a puzzled 
expression.] 

Widow. Oh, my gosh! Wonder if she suspects anything? 

[The Professor eyiters, and sees her ivith the hag. He is at 
once concerned.] 

Prof. Why, my dear Mrs. Penny, you are not going away 
are you ? 

Widow. Oh, no. Not now. I just had some things brought 
up. 

Prof [Relieved] . That relieves me very much. Won't you 
come over and have a seat. I have something I wish very 
much to ask you. [He motions her to the divan.] 

Widow [Hesitating]. Well — really I have to be getting 
about my duties. 

Prof. Oh, I won't keep you long. There is something I 
have had on my mind for the past tv^o days which I just must 
ask you. 

Widow [Nervously]. But, wouldn't tomorrow do as well? 

Prof. No, I must ask you today. [He takes his seat and 
motions to the Widow to sit beside him. There is nothing else 
to do, so she takes the seat gingerly and at some distance from 
the Professor. He slides a little nearer so as to be able to talk 
more privately and the Widow edges towards the front of the 
divan and seems perched ready for instant flight in case of 
emergency.] 

Widow. Yes, sir. 

Prof. Of course what I have to say to you may seem a little 
strange to you coming from one who has only known you for 
a few days . . . 

Widow [Very nervous]. Uh — yes, sir. 

Prof. But you realize, of course, that I am a widower and 
that I have a daughter who needs a mother who can look after 
her and advise her. 

Widow. Er — yes, sir. 

Prof. Now, I realize that you have done very nicely since 
you came here and have been able to work wonders with my 
daughter. But you realize that even though she does respect 



52 Boots and Her Buddies 

you, that she would respect a woman who was my wife a great 
deal more. [He leans over towards her in his earnestness and 
she fidgets on the edge of the divan.] 

Widow. No, sir — that is, yes sir. 

Prof. Now, if I could get a wife who would come into my 
home and take the interest in Boots that you have shown don't 
you think it would be advisable for me to marry again, not 
only for my own sake, but also for the sake of my daughter? 

Widow. I don't know, I'm sure — I doubt if it would. 

Prof. I'm sorry to hear you say that, for I have great re- 
spect for your judgment. Would your answer be the same 
regardless of the woman I had in mind for a wife? 

Widow. Well, I should say that the woman would have 
something to do with the case. 

Prof. Then what would you say if I said the woman was 
[He hesitates slightly and looks at her.] Mrs. Hemingway? 

Widow [So relieved that she is almost jubilant]. Mrs. Hem- 
ingway ! Ah — er — I should say fine. By all means marry her. 
She would be a splendid choice. 

Prop [Flattered]. Thank you, I appreciate your saying so. 
But there is one drawback. 

Widow. Yes. 

Prof. Boots doesn't like the idea of my marrying again, 
and especially Mrs. Hemingway. I had thought that by you 
coming here she would become used to having another woman 
in the house, and would see that it was not so bad as she 
thought. But she seems as opposed as ever. 

Widow. Are you sure that she would be opposed still? 

Prof. Yes. I talked with her this morning. 

Widow. Then I shall speak with her some time soon. 

Prof [Rising and extending his hand]. How can I ever 
thank you, Mrs. Penny. 

Widow. Oh, don't mention it. I am glad to help you get 
married to her. 

Prof. It is nice of you to say that, when you realize that 
it will mean I cannot keep you any longer. 

Widow [Almost gleefully]. You — you mean I can — that I 
am fired? 

Prof. Oh, no. Not yet. I want you to stay by all means 



Boots and Her Buddies 53 

until after the wedding. 

Widow [Face falling]. Oh. 

Prof. Why, you aren't displeased with your work are you? 

Widow. Oh, no. I just thought you meant now. When will 
the wedding be? 

Prof. That will largely depend upon the attitude Boots 
takes. 

Widow. Leave her to me, I shall attend to that. 

Prof. I shall depend upon you. [He turns and leaves the 
room, and the Widoiv closes her eyes and breathes a deep sigh 
of relief just as Bill enters.] 

Bill. Ah, the sleeping beauty! 

Widow [Furious]. Get out of here. [He threatens to throw 
the bag at him, and Bill ducks behind a chair and pulls a pair 
of glasses out of his pocket and puts them on quickly.] 

Bill [Pointing to the glasses]. Unh-unh! Unh-uh! It's 
against the law to hit a man with glasses on. 

Widow. Why in the Sam Hill didn't you fasten this bag? 

Bill. What? 

Widow. You know what. You left this bag unfastened and 
it fell open and everything spilled out right before Boots. 

Bill [Bursting into laughter] . You don't say ! Razor and 
all? 

Widow. Yes, and I have got to get out of here quick. I 
believe she suspected something. 

Bill [Laughing]. And I missed that! I never did have 
any luck. How did you explain it off? 

Widow. I told her I wore men's pajamas all the time almost. 

Bill. Well, that sounds all right. 

Widow. But she said "I understand" kind of funny like, 
and went right off. Come on and take me to town. 

Bill. No. Not a chance. I lose my twenty-five dollars if 
you leave before the party is over tonight. 

[Further conversation is prevented by Boots coming into the 
door. She seems in an angry mood.] 

Boots. Bill, you go on in there and join the dance. I want 
to talk with Mrs. Penny. 

Bill. Sure. Mrs. Penny and I have been having a pleasant 
chat. 



54 Boots and Her Buddies 



Boots. So I observe. [Bill leaves. The Widow picks 
up the bag again.] Oh, don't be in a hurry. 

Widow [Placing the bag down again]. I have to be going 
shortly. 

Boots. Father just told me that you had something to say 

to me. 

Widow. Who— Me? Why . . . 

Boots [Cutting her short]. Don't stall. I know what it is. 
You have been advising him to marry Mrs. Hemingway, and 
he seems to think that you can persuade me that it is the best 
thing. 

Widow [With some spirit]. Well, I do think it is the best. 

Boots [Angry]. Now, see here, you have come in here and 
tried to handle things in a high-handed manner and I have 
apologized and tried to keep from quarreling in order to please 
Daddy, but if you think you are going to order me around and 
tell me to keep quiet and let my own father marry another wo- 
man to bring in here to boss me, then you are sadly mistaken. 

Widow. Now, you listen to me. Miss Boyd. I once thought 
very highly of you. I thought I saw in you possibilities of de- 
veloping into a splendid woman. Of course, I saw at once . . . 

Boots [Interrupting]. And if you think I am going to stand 
here and be lectured to . . . 

Widow [Interrupting], You are going to listen to me if I 
have to hold you. As I said, I saw at once that you were a 
spoiled, overpampered girl who needed a good spanking, but 
I did think that underneath you had the making of a splendid 
girl. I find to my sorrow that I was mistaken all along, and 
that instead, what I thought to be only signs of being spoiled 
was your nature showing itself in its true light. Let me tell 
you that you are the most priggish, prudish, most selfish and 
intolerant girl that I ever knew in all my life. I pity the man 
that ever takes you for a wife. The young people here are 
talking about the way you have treated the boys that have 
been nice to you and who tried to show you a good time, and 
you yourself admitted to me that you deliberately called up 
another boy and walked out on a date with the man you loved 
just because he was a little late — for no other reason than to 
feed your selfish vanity. 



Boots and Her Buddies 55 

For near twenty years your father has lived for you only. 

He has wasted all those years of his young manhood when 
he could have remarried and begun building up a happy home 
that would have been a pleasure to him in his old age, and all 
because he wanted to do everything for you. Then when you 
began to grow older and he found a woman who could make 
him happy again you ruled against, and begged him not to 
marry. And for what reason? I'll tell you, just because you 
didn't want another woman in the house. It pleased your 
vanity to think that you ruled your father. So you told him 
no. Told him that you would elope with Howard Nutz if he 
even thought of remarrying. Your own selfish nature prompt- 
ed you to bully him into remaining single, and thus force him 
to grow old all alone. There might be some excuse for your 
conduct if you were going to be with him all his life, but you 
know that you are not. In a few years you will be married 
yourself, and will you want to take your father in and care for 
him when he is old and sick? No, you won't. Your selfish 
nature wouldn't let you. 

Boots [Almost on verge of tears from mingled chagrin and 
ayiger]. Oh — oh — oh! [She whirls on her heel and starts for 
the door.] 

Widow. That's right run out so you can't hear the truth. 
Go on and elope with that Howard Nutz — and may the Lord 
pity Mr. Nutz! 

Boots [Whirling at the door. Some of the anger seems to 
have left her and she is almost in tears]. You — You'll be sorry 
you talked to me like that. [She disappears, and Mrs. Hem^ 
iyigway enters.] 

Widow. How do you do, Mrs. Hemingway. Come right in. 

Mrs. Hemingway [Coldhj]. Howdy. 

Widow. Have a seat. I shall call Mr. Boyd. I'm sure he 
shall be glad to see you. 

Mrs. H. Thanks. [She moves over towards a seat, and the 
Widow starts out and meets the Professor at the door.] 

Widow. Mrs. Hemingway to see you, sir. 

Prof. Thanks. Did you talk to Boots? 

Widow. I did. 

Prop [Eagerly]. What did she say? 



56 Boots and Her Buddies 

Widow. Nothing much. 

Prof. Oh. [The Widow leaves and Prof, turns to Mrs. 
Hemingivay.] How do you do, Audry? 

Mrs. H. Quite well, thank you. 

Prof. It is nice of you to drop by this evening. 

Mrs. H. Ned, I have come to say something to you that I 
hate to say. 

Prof [Concerned]. What is it, my dear? 

Mrs. H. I have put off saying it as long as possible, but I 
think something needs to be said, and that at once. 

Prof. I hope you will feel free to say it to me, Audry. 

Mrs. H. It is about her — that Mrs. Penny. 

Prof. I see. What about her. 

Mrs. H. Why the whole community is talking about her 
being here, and the attention you are paying to her. I don't 
think it sounds good when you are engaged to me for this 
kind of gossip to be going the rounds. 

Prof. Why, my dear, I hadn't dreamed of such a thing. 
There is absolutely nothing between us. 

Mrs. H. I am willing enough to believe you, but what about 
the neighbors? 

Prof [Worried]. Yes, that is right. [Defending.] But 
Mrs. Penny has been a perfect lady. 

Mrs. H. From what I have seen she could have been a 
little more discreet in her attentions to you. 

Prof. But, my dear, instead of her paying attention to me 
she has just this morning promised to use her influence in 
talking to Boots and trying to reconcile her to our marriage. 

Mrs. H. [Brightening up, and putting on a smile]. She did? 

Prof. Yes. She had just finished talking to her when you 
came in. That was what I was asking her about. 

Mrs. H. [Eagerly]. What did Boots say? 

Prof. I don't know. 

Mrs. H. Then I have been accusing Mrs. Penny wrongly. 
I shall have to go apologize to her this very minute. [She 
rises to go.] 

Prof. I am sure you shall find her graciously ready to for- 
give. [Mrs. Hemingtvay leaves, and Boots enters from the 
opposite door.] 



Boots and Her Buddies 57 



Boots. Oh, Father. Here you are. 

Prof [Kindly]. Did you want to speak to me, Boots? 

Boots [Almost in tears]. Yes. I — I want to have a talk 
with you. 

Prof. Certainly. Come on over here and let's sit down so 
you can tell me about it. [They sit.] Now. 

Boots. Daddy, I just talked with Mrs. Penny, and she 
made me see what a terrible little selfish prig I have been. 

Prof. Why, no, no, dear. You have been no such thing. 

Boots. But I have too. I see it now — just as plain. Daddy, 
I want you to marry Mrs. Hemingway. 

Prof. Why, Boots, what has come over you? 

Boots. Nothing. [She buries her head on the back of the 
divan.] Only I have been so selfish. I didn't see what it 
meant to you, and how much you had sacrificed just for my 
sake until she told me. 

Prof [Patting her on the head]. There, there, now, don't 
cry. It's all right. I did nothing but what I wanted to do. 

Boots. But you will promise to get married, won't you? 

Prof. Why if you really wish that I should. 

Boots. I do. Daddy. 

Prof. Then I shall right away. 

Boots [Suddenly jumping up and kissing him on the cheek 
quickly]. Oh, I'm so happy. [She darts out of the door, and 
Prof, sits looking affectionately in the direction she has gone. 
Mary and Hotuard enter.] 

Howard [To Prof]. Mrs. Hemingway said to tell you she 
would like to speak with you a moment in the library. 

Prof [Rising and going out]. Thank you. [He disappears.] 

Mary. Wasn't Boots crying when she went through the 
room a moment ago. 

Howard. She seems to be in the weeps. 

Mary. What was that she said to you ? 

Howard. Oh, she just told me that she had a date with me 
for the dance. 

Mary. She did? Do you mean to say Boots did that? 

Howard. It certainly jarred me too. First time she was 
ever really nice to me like that. Usually I have to ask about 
a dozen times before I get a date, and then to have her come 



58 Boots and Her Buddies 

right up to me and tell me that she wanted a date with me. 

Mary. I guess now I shall have to vamp Bill. 

Howard [Rather- cockily]. Oh, well, I'll ask you to be the 
maid of honor at our wedding. [They make their way towards 
the opposite door.] 

Mary. Well, it won't be hard to imagine with Boots acting 
like that. 

Howard, Would it be so hard to imagine anyway? 

Mary. Frankly, yes. [They go out the door, and immedi- 
ately afterivards Bill and Percival come in, Bill leading the 
luay walking 7^apidly.] 

Percival. I say, old chap, what's all the hurry? 

Bill. Hurry, I've got to find Mary. Boots just gave me 
my A.W.O.L. 

Percival. A.W.O.L.? What in the by George is that? 

Bill. A.W.O.L. means walking papers, my boy — walking 
papers. I'm jilted. In other words, I had a date and she told 
me to get another one. 

Percival. I say, these girls do have such queer ways of 
doing things all of a sudden. 

Bill. Just another old American custom, Perc, old boy. 
You'll learn that too if you stay over here as long as I have. 

Percival. What was her reason? 

Bill [Snapping his fingers]. Just like that. No reason at 
all. But I have an idea that the Widow Penny had a finger in 
that pie. It looks like some of her work. [The Widow enters. 
Bill sees her.] Speak of the devil and his imps will appear. 
Come on in. I have a crow to pick. 

Widow. I don't have to pick any crow. I'm getting out of 
here. 

Bill. Ah, no. Nothing doing. 

Widow. I mean it this time. 

Bill. Not and make me lost twenty-five dollars. [The three 
have their hacks turned to the door, right, and Boots enters 
and stands unobserved looking at them.] 

Widow. Hang your twenty-five dollars. I'll pay you the 
twenty-five. 

Bill [Laughing]. That makes it different. Pay me! [The 
Widow reaches into the neck of her dress and pulls the pocket- 



Boots and Her Buddies 59 



book from her breast.] 

Bill [Punches Percival and winks]. See there, old chap, 
she's learning the ways of women all right. 

Percival [Laughing]. Righto, bah-jove. 

Widow. If there was a fool-killer he would certainly have 
had you two dead a long time ago. [Counts out the money, 
and starts to hand it to Bill, but Boots interrupts the proce- 
dure by speaking and the three turn startled to see her.] 

Boots [Coming forward]. You needn't pay him. I have al- 
ready recognized you. 

Percival [Gleefully]. Then, bah-jove, old top [To Bill] you 
owe me the bally twenty-five kissers — smackers, bah-jove. Pay 
me! Boy, pay me! 

Bill [Making a rueful face as he pulls the twenty-five dol- 
lars from his pocket and hands it to Percival]. I never did 
have any luck. 

Percival [Imitating Bill's former speech]. Bah-jove, old 
topper, don't ever bet with your Unck Dudley. It's just donat- 
ing, my boy, donating! 

[During this time the Widow has been furtively glancing 
up at Boots only to meet her hard stare.] 

Boots [To Bill and Percival]. You leave us alone. I want 
to talk to him. 

Bill. Oh, now. Boots, don't be too hard on him. It really 
was partly my fault. [Boots doesn't reply and Bill and Perci- 
val start to leave, but Bill turns at the door and calls back.'] 
Good luck, Jed. Tell her I did it. 

[Jed and Boots face each other for a second.] 

Jed [Doggedly]. All right go ahead. Let's get it over with. 

Boots. Just a few minutes ago you lectured to me, and I'll 
admit that you taught me a lesson that was for my own good. 
You made me see things as I should have done a long time 
ago, and you gave me a sound lecturing that I won't forget 
soon, but now you are going to listen to me while I do some 
lecturing. Of all the dirty, low-down, contemptible, under- 
mining, sneaking, double-crossing, cheap tricks that I have 
ever heard of you are guilty of it. For anyone to have the 
nerve and effrontry to masquerade as a woman and come into 
a respectable home and subject friends to the ridicule of peo- 



60 Boots and Her Buddies 

pie is unbelievable. Did you realize that you had done some- 
thing for which you can be sued? You have disgraced us, 
and I shall see that my father causes you to get the punishment 
that you deserve for this. Now get out. [The Widow turns 
to go.] 

Boots. Don't you have a word to say in defense? 

Widow [Turning to say something]. Why, yes . . . 

Boots [Cutting him short]. I don't want to hear it. Go! 

[He turns to go out of the door, right, and she quickly goes 
out left. Bill and Percival meet him near the door right.] 

Bill [Eagerly and with excitement]. What did she say, 
old boy? 

Widow. You get out. You have fixed it all right. 

Bill. Yeah, and you got me minus twenty-five dollars. 

Jed [With contempt]. What's twenty-five dollars? 

Bill [With a wry gesture of appeal towards Percival]. Perc, 
listen. He asks me what's twenty-five dollars. You tell him. 
I can't. 

Percival. I say, old hoss, did she leave you up in — what 
do you say — the — ah — atmosphere. 

Bill. Now I see why you Englishmen can't learn to talk 
American. You try to use too big words. It's air — up in the 
air. 

Percival. Bally right, old top — the air. 

Bill [Seriously]. Was she very hot sure enough? 

Jed. Plenty. She says she is going to have her father sue 
me. 

Bill. No! 

Percival [Imploringly]. Bah-jove, old top, I implore you 
to keep me out of it in case it comes to the worse. I have 
heard of the inefficiency of your American courts, but I prefer 
not to get tangled up with one of them. 

Bill [Grinning]. Oh, you're tall, Percy. You would look 
good in stripes. 

Percival. But those bally chain gang stripes run the 
wrong way. 

Bill. Maybe the warden will have your suit made to order. 

Jed. Cut the comedy. Bill. This is really serious. I think 
she has gone now to tell her father. 



Boots and Her Buddies 61 



Bill [Seriously again]. You know you can count on me, 
Jed. I helped get you into it, and I am going to stand by you 
and help get you out. 

Percival. Bah-jove, old top, count me in too. 

Jed [Generously]. Thanks. I'll probably need you. Do 
you have the car handy? 

Bill. Yes. It's out at the front now. 

Jed. Then wait here for me until I get these clothes off. 
[He leaves.] 

Percival. I say, this is really embarrassing. 

Bill. It's worse than that. We've got to get Jed out of 
this somehow. 

Percival. But what can we do? 

Bill. I don't know. I'm going to see. [He starts out just 
as Jane and Mary come in.] 

Mary. Where you going in such a hurry? 

Bill. I got to find Boots. You know where she is? 

Mary. I don't. 

Bill. Well, I got to find her. [He leaves.] 

Jane. What's got Bill looking so serious, Percival? 

Percival. Hadn't you heard about it? 

Jane. About What? 

Mary. Has something happened? 

Percival. About Jed and the Widow Penny. 

Jane [Excited]. Oh, I bet they're in love. 

Mary. No ! 

Percival [Shaking his head]. It's worse than that. 

Mary. Don't tell me they are married. 

Percival. No, hang it. They're the same. 

Jane [Greatly excited]. The same what? 

Percival. Same everything. The same people. 

Mary. Come on, Percy. Snap out of the fog and tell us 
what you are trying to say. 

Percival. Hang it, I have told you. The Widow Penny 
was Jed. He dressed up like that to play a trick on Boots and 
she found out. 

Jane [Exclaiming and bursting out laughing]. Oh! 

Mary [Bursting into laughter]. Well, of all ! [The two are 
laughing uproariously.] 



62 Boots and Her Buddies 



Percival [Seriously]. But, I say, it is no laughing matter. 
Boots found out and she has gone to tell her father, and says 
she is going to sue him. 

Jane [She and Mary are suddenly serious]. No? 

Percival. Yes. 

Mary. Why, she wouldn't dare. 

Percival. But she is. 

Jane [To Mary]. Come on and let's talk to Boots. [Laugh- 
ing again.] I never heard such a good joke in all my life. 
Maybe if we talk to her she will forgive him. 

Mary. I doubt it. [They are leaving just as Bill comes in 
again with a serious expression on his face.] 

Jane. Oh, Bill, did you see Boots? 

Bill. Yes? 

Mary. What did she say? 

Bill. You two go talk to her. She won't listen to me. 

Mary. All right. Come, Jane. [They go out.] 

Percival [Troubled], I say, this is awful. 

Bill. Fm sorry for Jed. He really liked the girl, and she 
will never forgive him. 

Percival. Right now I'm worried more about the Profes- 
sor than I am about Boots. [Just here the Professor enters. 
He has a hard expression on his face, Bill and Percival ex- 
change worried nervous glances.] 

Prof. Where is Mr. Harding? 

Bill. Jed? Oh — uh — He went up to his room. Said he'd 
be right down. 

Prof. Very good. 

Bill. I say, Professor, I hope you will view this in the 
right light. 

Prof. This is a private matter between Mr. Harding and 
me. I prefer to take the matter up with him. 

Bill. Yes, sir. [The Professor paces the floor with his 
hands behind his back, while Bill and Percival stand fidgeting, 
and exchanging occasional nervous glances. After a moment 
Jed enters. He is dressed in his own clothes, and has a hand- 
bag in his hand. He takes in the situxition and comes forward 
and puts the bag down.] 

Jed. I guess you wanted to see me, Mr. Boyd. 



Boots and Her Buddies 63 

Prof. Yes. [To Bill and Percival.] I wish to speak to Mr. 
Harding alone. 

Percival [Turning as if glad to get a chance to go]. Yes, 
sir. 

Bill [Holding his ground]. Please, sir, I would like to say 
a word before I go. 

Prof. Well? 

Bill. I know all the circumstances, and I want you to know 
that I am largely responsible for Jed being here like that. 

Prof. Why you ? 

Bill. Percival and I bet he couldn't dress as the widow and 
come here without being recognized. He intended to stay for 
a day only, but I made him stay so I could win my bet. 

Prof. Is that all? 

Bill. Yes, sir. 

Prop. Very well, I'll take that into consideration. 

Bill [Seeing he is dismissed turns to go]. Yes, sir. [He 
and Percival disappear.] 

Prof [Turning to Jed]. Young man, I suppose you know 
you have been guilty of an embarrassing offense for all con- 
cerned. 

Jed. Yes, sir. 

Prof. What have you to say in justification of your con- 
duct? 

Jed. Only this, sir. I thought I would masquerade for a 
day — to be frank, sir, just to get a chance to give Boots a good 
lecturing for the way she acted the other night of the dance 
when she left us because we were a little late. 

Prof [Nodding his head in half -approval]. I'll admit she 
needed the lecture, but did that justify you going this far 
with it? 

Jed. Bill explained that, sir. They wouldn't let me out of 
it. They promised to tell if I quit, and I was afraid you and 
Boots would be angry with me if you found out. 

Prof. I see. [A smile is beginning to play about the cor^ 
ners of his mouth.] 

Jed. I wish to apologize to you and your daughter, and of 
course I am willing to take the consequences of what I have 
done. 



64 Boots and Her Buddies 



Prof [Breaking into laughter much to Jed's surprise]. 
Young man, instead of condemning you I want to thank you. 
[He extends his hand.] 

Jed [Dumbfounded, takes his hand listlessly], Uh — you — 
you thank me? 

Prop [Laughing at his astonishment] . Yes. I think it one 
of the best jokes ever pulled on me. You were perfect. And 
furthermore you have done me a real service. 

Jed [Still puzzled]. Yes, sir. 

Prof. For the first time in years I have seen Boots really 
obey someone. I think you have taught her a lesson that I 
never could have myself. She seems completely changed dur- 
ing the past two days. [Chuckli^ig.] After the lecture you 
gave her she actually came to me and told me that she wanted 
me to marry again, and she has opposed it for years. 

Consider the incident closed, young man, and forget about 
it. It was a practical joke that as far as I am concerned 
turned out very valuable. I have no ill feelings on the score, 
and shall be glad to have you visit my home often. And I 
hope you do not have to go now, and I feel that my daughter 
will soon forget it as well. 

Jed [Breathing relief]. Thank you, sir. Thank you very 
much. 

Prof [Turning to go]. Wait here a minute. [He leaves.] 

Jed. Yes, sir. [The moment the Professor disappears Bill 
sticks his head in the opposite door, and then comes in.] 

Bill. Say, boy, what did he say? Is he going to sue you? 

Jed [Listlessly]. No. He thought it was a joke. 

Bill [Ecstatically]. He did ! Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy ! Tell 
me about it. 

Jed [Ignoring his question]. Did you see Boots? 

Bill [His face falling]. Yeah. She wouldn't see you. Said 
she didn't ever want to see you again. 

Jed. Well, I'm ready to go. [He picks up the bag just as 
Boots enters. Bill sees her and starts for the front door hur- 
riedly.] 

Bill. I'll be waiting at the car. 

Boots [Her voice hard]. Father said you wanted to see 
me. 



Boots and Her Buddies 65 

Jed. Yes, I did — but I guess it's no use. 

Boots [Whirling as if to go]. Oh, then, you didn't want to? 

Jed [Quickly.] Yes I did. Wait a minute. 

Boots [Turning]. Then, what was it? 

Jed. Boots, couldn't you forgive me for what I've done. 
Honestly, I feel terrible about this. 

Boots. Never! But I do want to know why you did it? 

Jed. Because of what you did the other night. 

Boots. So you thought you would make me the laughing 
stock of my friends? 

Jed. No. It wasn't that. It was because I loved you. Boots, 
and I wanted to find out if you really were selfish and hard 
like you tried to appear to be. 

Boots [Her tone softening]. Because you loved me? 

Jed [Taking courage]. Yes, Boots. I really do. 

Boots [Hardening again]. Then what about what you said 
when you told me to go ahead and marry Howard and may 
the Lord help him. That sounded like you loved me! 

Jed. But I was angry. I really thought you intended to 
elope with him. 

Boots [Beginning to smile]. I see. 

[Jane, Mary and Percival are seen peeping into the door- 
way behind Jed's and Boots' backs.] 

Jed. Then, won't you forgive me, and forget all this. 

Boots. I guess so. 

[Jane, Mary and Percival come rushing in to the surprise of 
the two.] 

Jane. Oh, goody, goody! [She rushes over and hugs Boots.] 

Mary. Oh, I'm so glad ! 

Boots. What were you three doing — eavesdropping? 

Jane. Percival told us you two were here, and we just had 
to find out. 

Percival [Proudly]. Now, that's what I call ripping of 
you, Miss Boyd. Congratulations, Jed, old chap. 

Jed. Thanks, Percy. 

Boots [Smiling as she catches Jed by the arm]. Jed is go- 
ing to join the party too. 

Jane and Mary. Hooray! 

Jane [Grabbing Percival by the arm]. Come on you two 



66 Boots and Her Buddies 



let's go find Bill and tell him. [They start out] 

Jed. You will find him in the car. [They disappear.] 

Boots. You will stay, of course? 

Jed. You're nice when you want to be. [Howard enters. 
He recognizes Jed.] 

Howard [Rather coldly]. Hello, Jed. I didn't know you 
had returned. 

Boots [Laughing towards Jed]. He returned rather unex- 
pectedly. And is joining the party. 

Howard. Isn't it about time for us to get ready for the 
dance? 

Boots. I say, Howard, I am sure you will pardon me for 
breaking my date with you, but since Jed returned unexpect- 
edly I feel that I as hostess must look after him. I am sure 
Elizabeth- will be glad to go with you. Would you mind be- 
ing with her instead? 

Howard [Peeved]. Quite convenient way of handling 
things — for you. [He turns and goes out after a hateful 
glance at Jed.] 

Jed. Is that quite fair to him? 

Boots. Of course, if you don't want a date with me — 

Jed [Interrupting]. You know better. But if you're en- 
gaged— 

Boots. But we aren't. 

Jed. You mean you weren't going to elope after all? 

Boots. No, silly. Didn't you see I was just teasing you. 
Why I have known it was you ever since that handbag fell 
open and your pajamas fell out. 

Jed [Grinning]. How did you know then? 

Boots. How could I help seeing your name on the laundry 
mark? 

Jed [Laughi7ig]. I give up. But if you aren't engaged to 
Howard, what would you say if I proposed. [He is about to 
take her into his arms.] 

Boots [Evading him and slipping behind a chair"]. I refuse 
to answer in such a public place. [The curtain begins to close.} 

Jed [Taking her by the arm and starting off]. Then, come 
on. I know a place. 

[Quick Curtain.] 



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